Thank you Jesus.
Jesus, I love u!
in the last few days, i just feel so strongly for God..i thought about how much He loves me. The thing is, most of the times, i dont feel loved bcos i dont even love myself. i cannot accept myself. and.. God loves me and He accepts me totally, fully and unconditionally!
He loves me for who i am. for that.. i cant help but love God too! in the ya svc earlier, i just told God that i love him and i just surrender myself to him. He makes me love myself, accept myself. Though i dont always feel loved, i know in God's eyes, i am deeply loved. God is love. Loving is God's nature.
just wanna share also that, i really love to hang out with the poly YAs!!! They are such a lovable bunch. HA. i always feel so welcomed in their midst- although i am like several years older than most of them..feel so loved by them...i also dunno why they seemed to love me so much...i just thank God for their love for me..i am very grateful to them for including me, for accepting me and for loving me. Their genuine-ness, innocence and kindness just touches my heart. just being with them brightens me up. they are such an endearing bunch of young people. they are so sweet. i am more than happy to be part of their lives.
i hope the harsher realities of life will not erode these precious qualities and harden their hearts. the hearts of today's youngsters are often misunderstood and under-understood by the adults of today. no wonder so many wanna break away and rebel.. for how many truly understand them?
i do not wanna say i understand them, cos i am not them and so i will never understand how they are feeling or what they are going through. Yet, i choose to love them for who they are. I will choose to stand by them. Everyone is precious to God, youths too.
being in this ministry allows me to interact with young people and be involved in their lives. I really enjoy this and i know i want to do this. Again, i wish this 6 mths will not end. =)
I've found what i really want to do.
Now exactly 6am. another night of stay up this week.. omg, my 2am syndrome again-If i dont sleep before 2am, i wont be able to sleep!-
ah....y like that...?
then after 2am i will start to do a lot of reflections.. dear me...will my 2am syndrome continue indefinitely? I need self-discipline to sleep earlier. =)
yet i realise i am a person who constantly needs to have reflection time n space..serene wont be able to sleep if she cant figure something out / has no answers to her questions/ if she has too many stuff on hand she needs to think abt /if she is very depressed or disturbed or angry or hungry or irritated or hurt. That's a lot of criteria to meet to have a good night's rest rite? hur.........i am so ke lian....
kkz let me 'release' some of them here, so maybe i will sleep well tmr night. =)
In sequence of randomity;
-is God calling me to be a pastor or youth worker?
-i like attention
-something on my mind alot these days- who actually r the pple who read my blog? -other than those who post comments and those i know u read? and how come whenever i ask for replies here..nobody answer ah? its strange cos i know got people read but no one bothers to leave comments..i feel like i am the only one here talking to myself..very often. could it be that readers are interested enuff just to read? i dont mind readers but i feel all of this is very one-sided. i dont feel cared for. maybe i am a poor communicator.. so sad la..
-i am learning to laugh at myself, and laugh with others at myself
-i am amused at my own sillyness aka blunders.
-feels hurt regarding a friend's comment, still cannot believe that friend actually think that way of me..din not expected such a remark..was the remark merely the tip of the iceberg? i am really hurt by the words. i cannot convince myself to accept that remark. i tried to but i still cant. i think its unfair. that's what makes it painful. feels very very misunderstood. i know i need to forgive u to get past that bitterness and frustration and indignation. and if u wanna know, yes i've forgiven u.
-feels despair and heartache whenever we quarrel and yet i am so helpless and just let things unfold and happen. i wish we wouldnt quarrel so much..much less over non living things. u dont seem to care. That's the hardest to accept. still i will keep on choosing to forgive and love. bcos i care. and bcos i know God cares.
-i am enjoying my internship A LOT! so much that i wish it would never end! HA...kua zhang hor...but really how i feel...6 mths like not enough...it is so fulfilling for me to do what i am doing now! I derive a lot of satisfaction from talking and interacting with youths. i thank God very much bcos He has been my fuel. He fills me so that i can run on full. And when i am running empty, i just need to go to Him for top-up! Thank you Jesus!
-Jesus intercedes before the Father for his children. woa..this truth is so happening! My intercessor is Jesus!
-i find myself constantly talking to God nowadays, asking him questions and getting his replies. this is so cool! reading the bible has now become such an interaction with God! oh ya now i mediate on God's word also. i am never the same again! His truth really transform my perspective of God and increase my understanding of what kind of God i really serve.
-i know u dont like me. or to be more precise i sense that u have no liking whatsoever for me. thru ur response to me on the phone, to my sms. i just know. and God has also helped me see that fact clearer. i trust my intuition. strangely,when i held on to that hope so tightly, i dont wanna let go. Yet when i let it go, i find that it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. But still hor, i am not really sure how to face u..still kinda of apprehensive and hesitant. well, this is so embarassing. now i really hope u dont find out abt this, and dont ask me. however, i do suspect u may already have guessed it or know..so i am very cautious now when i talk to u. i hope u dont find out! i am treating u as a friend now..dear all, yes we are just friends. wat r u thinking?
*winks*
-oh for a close friend, i am worried abt her but i dont know how i can help her. each time i am just so helpless when i want to be of help. the only thing i can do for u now is to commit u to God and let God take over. I know by my own strength, i wont be able to help u much. Only God truly can be helpful to u and will help u. u had encouraged and inspired me so much u know. one of my deepest hope right now is to see that joy in ur heart once again, that assured smile on ur face, and that little girl playing happily in the garden.
kkz i guess i have basically poured my heart out here on most of the issues that have been troubling me..
i should sleep!!! yawns.
Morning!
it is such a torment. i dont wanna quarrel anymore!
[recently there have been so many times in a day where i desperately crave to listen to what God has to say. I seem to have endless qns to ask him! i feel that i needed to hear His voice-to hear what He has to say about my questions. I have never felt so strongly about hearing God's voice before. Now i just want to hear His voice. I often ask him qns like; "God am i doing this right?" "Am i doing the right thing?" "Lord what should i do?" "Lord what do u want me to do in this situation?" I wanted so much to lean on His answers bcos i have realised that His ways are the best. His will is good, pleasing and perfect, as mentioned in Roms 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."I've realised that there are, had been many situations i am in where i am rendered helpless or inadequate, and the only way and best way is to listen to what God has to say and then do what He says. There had also been times recently where i had gotten confused about what is really the truth about certain matters and persons. seems like i dunno what is the truth of the matter anymore. and it is frustrating to be without an answer, to be not having any idea about what is true. that's scary isnt it? ya that's exactly how i feel.. it is scary when u dunno what is true anymore. then i was gladly to be reminded that the bible mentioned that the Holy Spirit will guide us into all truth.-john 16:13. Jesus had also said in the bible that he is "the way and the truth and the life."-John 14:6Dear Lord Jesus, i only want to believe what You have to say and what you have said in Your word for i know You are the truth. You are the God of truth. I will choose to listen to You.]Voice of Truth-Casting CrownsOh what I would do to haveThe kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm inOnto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus isAnd He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my nameAnd they laugh at meReminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves they keep on telling meTime and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to haveThe kind of strength it takes to stand before a giantWith just a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriorsShaking in their armorWishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name And he laughs at meReminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe giant keeps on telling meTime and time again. "Boy you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
But the stone was just the right sizeTo put the giant on the groundAnd the waves they don't seem so highFrom on top of them lookin' downI will soar with the wings of eaglesWhen I stop and listen to the sound of JesusSinging over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.
Specially dedicated to Jon Liew, Darren, James and Joshua. Sorry to miss u guys out previously! These are the rest of the guys who went to the retreat also!!!! "Gotcha! You are on Serene's candid camera!"
Darren and Jon Liew...Ha...we were sitting on the roadside waiting for the feeder bus to come..
Joshua fiddling with his camera...
a leader's quieter moment. James, SP CL.
of 2 kittens.
sounds ridiculous right? why is a grown-up scared of 2 tiny little seemingly harmless creatures?
but i am. and i was really scared. so scared that i did not dare step out of my house. actually i tried to leave the house twice, when i saw the kittens running towards my door, all i could muster enough courage to do was to slam the door shut! so scared that i was pacing up and down the living room, thinking of a solution. I was to meet Terence and Kenneth at G1 for filming at 8pm. Yet at 7:50Pm, i was still at home! so scared that i dared not open the door for the 3rd time.
i keep telling myself it is only 2 kittens..and that God had made these creatures, so i shouldnt be afraid of them...i was reminded of noah's ark where noah moved so many animals, reminded of Adam when he named all the animals-the bible never said they were scared!
ahhhhhhhhh...so where did my fear came from???!!!!
but i had to leave the house to get to G1..then i thought if there was any other way out of the house other than the door....and...obviously there wasn't. unless i jump down...nobody else was at home. and i know if i call them, they will not be able to reach home so soon. so out of fear and desperation, i called Benny who lives very near me. Then he left his mopping aside and ran all the way to my house to help me. So he helped me block the kittens while i opened the door and left the house finally after almost half an hour of "cat catch mouse". AND...the kittens actually became very docile when Benny was there!!!! They did not run when i opened the door...and did not even meow lor...so cunning rite? yes they are cute la but cunning leh...
ahhhhh...........i am still scared of them!!!!
Aloha Pasir Ris, Sea View Terrace 3
9th-11th Sep 2007
all 15 of us. =)Holy is the Lord God Almighty.
God is love.
The retreat theme was fellowship and the body of Christ.
I totally, fully, completely and thoroughly enjoyed myself at this retreat bcos God was in the house!!!! All of us felt His holy and sweet presence that brings forth so much of His great peace, joy, forgiveness and love. As i prayed with my brothers and sisters in Christ, i just sensed the Holy Spirit telling me God is love. God is love. Just 3 words, yet it was enough to fill the whole room, enough to fill all of our hearts, enough to forgive all of our sins, enough to cause a total surrender of our lives to His will. God's holy presence also caused a few of us to sob. His holy presence had a cleansing effect. i was reminded of my sins and how i have not fully surrendered to God all that i have. In His holy presence, as i thought of how i have treated God and how i've hurt Him, i just felt so much grief that i began to sob.
For one, i have not been practising tithing 10% of my income. And two, it has been a very long while since i last sat down and really do my daily quiet time or devotion. Long i mean like around 1 yr. The preaching by Ps Lip Yong pointed out these areas of my life which i have been shortchanging God. By the time he finished the preaching, my eyes were already moist. I know what he was talking about, bcos i saw that i was like the ones whom he described. Then as we began to round up the service with worship and prayer, i was sobbing uncontrollably... I was feeling very guilty for having treated God this way, and thinking of the many times when i have hurt Him. And then the most amazing thing happened.
Ps Esther came over and prayed for me and what she said sounded unbelievable. She said to me "God says He will provide for you. (Then she quoted this bible verse) -"If you, then, though you are evil, knows how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." -Matt 7:11
You know what i did when i heard that?
I sobbed even more! I did not understand and cannot comprehend why God would want to provide for someone like me who dont tithe to Him and who dont do my quiet time daily. On what basis was i deserving? I wasn't even deserving of that kind of providence! I dont even qualify, what more deserve a promise like that. Yet as i sobbed i sensed God just cleansing me, i sensed His holy presence very tangibly correcting me, forgiving me..and surrounding me with His love.
"Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
-Rom 5:20-21
truly i don't deserve what God has for me.
Yes i am a sinner but God's grace is greater.
I don't have to live in my sins, i can choose to live in God's grace.
You don't have to live in your sins, you can choose to live in God's grace.
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WE HAD SO MUCH JOY BCOS GOD WAS IN THE HOUSE AND WATCHING OVER HIS BELOVED CHILDREN!!!!!
The CHICKENS dance! HA.
Caleb-our resident photographer being shoot.
Lynn- Our Ms BubbLY
Eddie- His best side. HA.
Ps Esther!!! Her most pretty pose!
RA-rated!!!!
Lynn and Meiyin.
We are beautiful.
Jondave's most awake pose.
Daniel's ethnicity is showing..
Meiyin was happy!
Lynn and i combine forces ah..
oh..beauty and the beast(s).
HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA. we had so much fun! All Glory to God!!!
my first 2 days has been personally encouraging.. was tiring but i felt right doing what i did. Like finally, i am putting my beliefs into action. It is now "walking the talk" for me. I feel a strong sense of purpose just doing what i was asked to do. I even delight in doing them!
I feel so fulfilled. its like i have never felt so fulfilled before in any of my previous jobs, and i've never been so sure before in my life i was doing the right thing, making the right decisions.
this time round, as a 2 days old intern, i proudly say i am 100% sure this is what i want.
i thank God for giving me this opportunity to serve Him in this manner. It is a prestige and honour to serve the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
=)
my first 2 days as an intern..what i did. i shall post at a later date...gosh i have to sleep soon!
stay tuned!
I am now doing an intership with my church- Grace Assembly of God, which started officially yest, 1st Sep and will be for a period of 6 months. Like what Ps Ron said today during the Combined Leaders' Meeting, internship for a few of us is a sign of maturity; a natural progression. I think for most of you who know me and my family situation, would find my decision to intern as surprising or even at an inappropriate timing. For myself, i never thought i would eventually intern with church. It started as an career alternative, later one of the career options. In between, there was a lot of considerations. It is so ironic lor... i rem telling Josiah and my couz Poh Ling, i would not take up the intern cos the pay is low and not sufficient for me to support myself and my family. I even said i would be selfish if i take up the internship at the expense of my family's interests. I rationalised that my family needed my income and i would really be selfish if i take up this internship. I thought really hard about this. I weighed the merits and demerits of taking this internship. It was really tough. I struggled constantly trying to reach a decision. At first i thought there is no harm in pursuing what i like...until i saw his facial expression. It hit me hard when i saw the look on his face. Though no words were said, i sensed that look was one of disapproval...telling me " do u know what u are doing? how's your family going to get by?" it was hard facing up to this. Yes i admit these are all legitimate and valid reasons.. I keep askin myself " Am I being selfish if i choose to intern?"
and bcos i believe the answer is yes,I couldn't bring myself to take up the internship.
I told myself No.
I told Josiah and Poh Ling i wouldn't.
but the keen desire to take up this internship never died down..
I wanted to, but i had to say No to myself so many times.
then, one day..on the bus, as i was reading Evangelism by Fire by Reinhard Bonnke, and a truth he mentioned reasonated so loudly in my mind ; "The Gospel is eternal, but we haven't eternity to preach it....We have only as long as we live to reach those who live as long as we live."
"we have only as long as we live to reach those who live as long as we live."
this gripped me so tightly and i became convinced - it is now or never for me.
now to serve God or later?
i was very sure- i want to give my now to God.
and giving my "now" to Him would most directly be in the form of internship.
so that's how i decided against all my NOs to say YES to internship.
seriously now i still dunno how i will get by with the meagre intern pay i received each month.
i have HUGE doubts regarding my own ability to manage the money wisely and sufficiently.
hmmm...and James C put it v bluntly "like dunno where your next meal is coming from.."
although i dont like to think so pessimistically...but i know how it feels to go hungry.
and i feel that i have to ask myself this question : do i trust that God will provide during my internship even when i haven't seen it happen?
that's where faith has to come in.
[just as i wondered how i should go about my next step, just as i feel so defeated..lost..and helpless, just as things are so much harder than i thought--i found my answer in letting it go. I found the answer by surrendering COMPLETELY, every part & aspect of my life to the Father, the LORD Almighty who knows best. so now i'm letting go of all my baggages, i'm letting God take over. =)and this song aptly describes this process. It is difficult to let go but it is much easier to move on once letting go. Joyce once quoted " Some say holding on makes you stronger; some say it's letting go." How true. ]
The secret of life is in letting go
the secret of love is in letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
And laying it down down at your feet
Right here in this moment
chorus:
Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is with in me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely
This journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
Right here, right now, and for the rest of my life
Hear me say
chorus:
Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is with in me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely
I am yours and yours alone
Completely
Labels: one of the songs from "Facing the Giants" movie
Darren and Jon Liew...Ha...we were sitting on the roadside waiting for the feeder bus to come..
Joshua fiddling with his camera...
a leader's quieter moment. James, SP CL. 
all 15 of us. =)
The CHICKENS dance! HA.
Caleb-our resident photographer being shoot.
Lynn- Our Ms BubbLY
Eddie- His best side. HA.
Ps Esther!!! Her most pretty pose!
RA-rated!!!!
Lynn and Meiyin.
We are beautiful.
Jondave's most awake pose.
Daniel's ethnicity is showing..
Meiyin was happy!
Lynn and i combine forces ah..
oh..beauty and the beast(s). 
