Never been unloved; you too!

confused and stressed..

Sunday, May 31, 2009

i'm feeling very lousy now .. a few things have been on my mind lately and i cannot figure what to do about them, and bcos of that i'm really stressed! i feel so powerless to do anything constructive. i am just thinking of these issues all the time! and its........ so unlike me to be so quiet. when i went ECP with Sab, Wing Sun and Ed today, i know i was so NOT myself... usually i would be cheery and just talk non-stop or crap non-stop. today i was really a woman of few words. at some points i even have to force myself to smile. i tried to be more chatty but i just dont feel like talking.

and i still dont feel like talking now.

.........................................................................

Fireproof!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

my church screened the movie yest evening at G1 and G2.
I was at G2 as REACH FSC had a booth there to publicise our youth programmes and i was on duty with 2 other colleagues. we happily set up our booth, and both me and my colleague left the booth to the santuary to check out the slides. When i returned, i realised something was wrong with our NEW office laptop! The screen went totally white and blank. We tried restarting a few times but it just didnt worked! it was DOWN, like just suddenly and we didnt know what was wrong with it! Thus, we were not able to play any of the videos we wanted to show... but i'm glad in the end, we were doing ok without it. hmm... i guess when technology fails you, the next best is to do manual! and its really going back to the basics of talking, human presence and touch that are more important. an equipment is really an equipment. a gadget, however high tech, is still a gadget.

i actually enjoyed giving out free postcards to the people who passed by our booth! and i enjoyed seeing different individuals... be they people i know or do not know. among the many people i saw, I was pleasantly surprised to see Sis Jo!!! She was my 1st cell leader! I haven seen her like for a few years since i left NUS or even before that i think..! And she looked so different now that i almost didnt recognise her, had she not stand in front of me! i was so happy to see her again and got to chat with her for a while! I still fondly remembered the times i had cell at her house, her teachings and the food she cooked!
Her favourite line to us was: "You cannot read the bible, you have to study it!" -- something that stayed with me until now. And through the years, i find this statement to be so true! in my own bible reading, i've realised, its only when i study the bible that i get the most out of it.

and..the best part of the night was that i got to watch the movie!
Fireproof is really worth watching!!!
i like this movie for its many funny moments, how realistically it portrayed a married couple's conflict and struggle, the wise words of encouragment and faith spoken by Michael and the dad, the interesting crafted visuals like the salt and pepper bottle glued together and the big wooden cross in the park, the many touching moments like when Caleb kneeled down and asked for his wife's forgiveness, when Catherine realised Caleb bought the medical equipment for her mum despite her unforgiveness and in the midst of their marital discord, when Caleb's dad revealed to Caleb that it was his mum who did all those things to salvage the marriage, when Caleb apologised to his mum, and when Catherine asked Caleb "Is it too late to ask if i still have the chance to grow old with you?" (something like that..) and finally how beautifully it captured the unconditional love of God.

Caleb was dejected and deeply hurt when his wife told him " I do not love you", in spite of him doing many things to win her heart.

Caleb then asked his dad this question;
"how is it possible to love someone who keeps rejecting you over and over again?"

and at this moment his father was leaning next to the big wooden cross.

isn't that how Jesus loved us? Man has rejected him for centuries, for thousands of years. He had been despised, criticised, beaten and tortured in his time. Today, many people still reject Him even though they KNOW that Jesus had died on the cross to pay the penalty of their sins. Jesus died for all the sins of man; people like you and I. if we say that we have not sinned, we are just deceiving ourselves. Sin is anything that falls short of God's standards. Havent we told a lie before, habour hatred, jealousy or envy in our hearts, lust after physical appearance, and hurt someone with our words or actions?

"how is it possible to love someone who keeps rejecting you over and over again?"

Jesus did.

He did it for you because He loved, and loves you.

An awesome testimony of God's transforming love

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I’m no longer the same person as I was this morning, simply because I cannot stay in the presence of God, behold Him and His loveliness and remain unchanged. " -Cindy Tan (beloved sister of Serene Tan)

Poverty Episode 3 (last)

Monday, May 25, 2009

long awaited by a few of u..and for you who have been asking me.. this is for you guys n gals :) may u enjoy and learn! :) ps: its going to be a long read.

Recap of episode 2:
at the end of fri, i checked my wallet to find $7plus left. :( how was i to get by till tues? It was impossible.

that was my poverty episode 2. the most miraculous part of my poverty series i think, was episode 3. It was there when i tried to solve the lack of money my own way and finding out for myself God had made a way. God provided the precise amount and in His immaculate timing.
and it led me to say "i dont dare doubt God anymore."

his ways are not my ways...
as said in Isaiah: 55:8-10
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD."
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Episode 3:
so i found myself only left with $7 on fri, and this money had to last me till tues when my pay comes in. On sat i overslept for work! Can u imagine? So poor already still have to find money to cab to work! So that morning, i woke my sis up to borrow money from her. She gave me $5 or $7 i think. So i managed to cab for work and after paying the cab fare, i was only left with less than $2 in my wallet. and yes who doesnt knows that $2 cannot cover lunch and dinner in Sg?

So when it came to lunch time, when my colleague asked me if i wanted lunch, i said no. and i didnt want to borrow from her. felt so paiseh to borrow from her. So i didnt have lunch. but with the few dollars i know i cannot survive the weekend or even till dinner. So i called my mummy and asked to borrow $50 from her. She said okay and i went home to get the money from her. She asked me if $50 was enough, i said enough. i think $50 to last 4 days is sufficient and reasonable; at least for me.

and i thanked God that mummy was so willing and readily lent me the money. i think i have learn not to take mummy's hard earned money for granted. i just borrow what is just enough. just because it is not my money doesnt mean it is not hard earned, and not precious. ya, this is an important lesson to learn. we should all value others' money as much as our own.

so after that i went to Young adults' svc in church with enough money. after svc ended, i rushed to the bus stop to head to town to meet my jc friends for dinner. was supposed to meet Matt cos he wanted to pass me some Galatians notes but i didnt meet him and just rushed to the bus stop, because i thought i could get it from him another day, and i didnt want to be too late to meet my friends. (they had always been waiting for me on sats because i usually can only reach town from G2 at 8plus.) ya so i rushed to the bus stop asap after svc. Matt then called me and asked to pass me the notes. i said it was ok, he could pass me another day (in fact the next day cos we had combined leaders meeting) but he insisted to come meet me.

so okay i waited at the bus stop. and when we met, he passed me the notes and a folded stapled postcard. when i asked him what's inside the postcard, he didnt say what is it. or he said something which didnt answer my question la. so i just took it and he left in a cab with Jer and Jeanie soon after.

i was super curious to know what was inside the postcard! So not soon after he left, i opened it and found a $50 dollar note inside! omg! I was so startled to see it! I keep staring at the note and can't believe it was money la! and it was all the more unbelievable it was exactly the same amount i borrowed from my mummy! not less, not more!

and i was at a loss for words.

at that moment i was overwhelmed with emotions. i had a few questions too.
1) When did he prepare the money? 2) why did he choose to give it that day? 3) Why $50?

i dont have the answers although i did tell him to share with me the reasons and all.
i was thankful for the money..but what amazed me most was i found the giving so divine. like how he know to give at that time... and why 50.. how did he know? he knew i was poor.. but how did he know when to give me the money and why 50?

i reasoned it had to be God who somehow told him and told him the amount to give, cos i believe b4 he gave the money he prayed about it. and its not that he's super rich or anything. i believe no one gives you money for no reason. he/she must have felt a burden to give, or knew about your need.

and at the bus stop at that moment, i gave thanks to God for His providence!!! i was so overwhelmed by it, that i texted Matt " I don't dare doubt God anymore." He is so real and knows my predicament! Although i already have mummy's $50, God provided through Matt another $50. If only i had waited for His way, i would know He provides and wanted to provide for me!

indeed, that day God seemed to be teaching me;
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD."
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Praise God!

i wanted to return Matt the money becos i had mummy's $50 already but he didnt want to take it back. so... i returned mummy her $50 a few days before my payday. she was like; "eh how come u have money now?" i wished i have told her then, which i didn't, "I have a God who provides!"

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how about you? Are there any area in your life right now you need to trust God for providence? It may not be finances. my poverty episodes have taught me; God will provide for His children. It is a matter of timing and waiting for Him to act. The verses below left a deep impression on me even till now. i pray it will also be the case with you. :)

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." -Matthew 7:9-12

Time with Ps Esther..

Sunday, May 24, 2009

is always much looked forward to by me! As my mentor, she always helps me to see clearer. That's just one of the many reasons why i enjoy spending time with her. :)

she is my sounding board. she is my reflector. and it helps so much because God has given her a discerning mind, and God tells her things about people, in this case, its me. and, the things are personal stuff. and she's rite 90% of the time! Amazing rite? it can be so scary to know someone knows what you are going to tell them, before you even start sharing!!! but ya, that has always been the case between ps esther and me. and though its scary.. but it also brings me great comfort to know that another person has been told of what is happening in my life; like there is another person who knows what i know, other than myself and God.

and the fact that she is so direct and honest with me that i know she will give me nothing but the truth. that is also why i trust her.

yest night was another of those times i spent with her to share my worries and burdens, and the issues in my life that are bothering me so much that i needed to talk about them. everytime i needed clarity in whatever i am facing, i would go talk to her.

and bcos God has also given her discernment and knowledge, each time after i share with her, i walk away with a clearer picture. and i'm really thankful for her! and i m grateful to God for putting her in my life! after the talk with her, i am clearer now where i should be heading.. and what i should do and not do. I also get a better idea of what God wants to do in my life; although i still dunno what it is.

like i told ps esther, "i know God is bringing me somewhere but i dunno where."

its is the somewhere that gives me hope and helps me to trust on in God, its the dunno where that makes a journey with God exciting and keeps me in anticipation!

isnt Christian life a time of journeying with God, asking questions and discovering what He has for us?

we may not always see what God has ahead for us, but just be assured that even though we dunno, God knows!

i've learnt that it is not so much the knowing what's ahead that is important to God (so alot of times, God doesnt say who, what, when, where, how!), it is the trust that you have in Him that He values, and wants to teach you. He is more interested in who you become, than what you do.

"But God's true end for us is a transformed life in Christ!" - Ps Edmund Chan in his book Mentoring Paradigms

Galatians...

Saturday, May 23, 2009

tonight's lesson by Lionel was really a paradiagm shift in how i live the Christian life. i keep asking myself, "am i a Pharisee in the way i lead and live? have i lost 'the freedom" Christ promised along the way? "

and my answer challenges me to live by the freedom i know in Christ.

Death.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

i attended Si En's dad wake last 2 days.. I dunno her dad personally, but i know Si En from the young adults' service. it was sudden to hear that her dad passed away bcos i did not hear Si En mention anything about her dad when i met her for service in the past few weeks. she also just came back to attend svc a few weeks back. just 1 week ago, she started to attend the SP (Sg Poly) cell.

:( i have been praying for her and her mum cos quite worried how she is going to cope with the loss. i pray that God will comfort them. at this point in time, nothing that could be said or done by people will really help them. Only God truly knows what they need, and could provide comfort to them.

was talking to one of my friends over msn and found out that one of his cousins passed away last week. :( its really sad when i found out the reason why. really sad. it aches my heart even though i do not know her. if i a stranger can feel so much for her, how much more her family? i cannot even imagine the agony they are going through now. dear Lord, i pray that you continue to comfort them and help them cope with this loss.

:( death.

is a real spoiler of life. spoiler is an understatement. death is the greatest enemy of life i would say. death brings so much pain and agony to the living. death is final. death separates. death leaves you changed; you cannot not be affected by it; it just does.

death also sets us thinking about many things about life. like what is really important, and what is not. when you come to the end of your life, what will really matter? If you have another chance, will you have lived life differently? and these messages are really for those living, for those attending the funeral.

how best to live our lives?

seem like the season for me now is to mourn with those who mourn. and now i know what it means when the bible says that.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." - Romans 12:15

Exclusive.

do u wanna know how you can be exclusive?

simple.

just hang around with people whom you're comfortable with and no others.

Ramen Girl.

God is soooooooooo GOOD to me yest, cos i managed to watch Ramen Girl!!!!!!

can u almost see my beaming face?!!! :)

actually i didn't even expect to watch movie! I was like saying to Matt, praise the Lord, if they have 9pm slot for Ramen Girl! And really HAVE! It was 9.30 somemore! better still, more time, not so rushed!

God is good, all the time! All the time God is good!

eh.. it may be easy to say and to quote but it is definitely and always TRUE anyway! It actually means the most when you are going thru a rough patch, and in spite of it, try saying God is good! its super hard. but we know, in the good times or bad, the goodness of God still remains. His goodness is not dependent on us. He is good simply bcos He is; that is His nature.

that is why, now whenever i face a rough patch, no matter how painful or trying the situation is, i've learnt to comfort myself by saying that God is good. God is good. He is good. Nothing i go through will change that fact. and because He is a good God, i know i can still count on Him in the bad times, and in uncertain times.

:)

Needing Courage, Doing without Pride.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

i need courage. but i can do without pride.

i'm talking about evangelism.

just very recently, just a few hours earlier...i was constantly reminded of a few individuals (friends and loved ones) who have not accepted Jesus in their lives/not Christians. their faces and names just flashed up in the screen of my mind. its like so random and yet so unforgettable.

and when those faces and names popped up in my mind, i would feel an ache in my heart. and i would feel so uneasy. if Jesus comes back now, and all the christians like myself go to heaven, and i see my loved ones and friends in hell....how would i feel?

i cant even begin to describe my feelings without tearing! tears just welled up even as i began to picture that scenario. and i feel so depressed just thinking about it. its more than that actually, i feel so torn! heartbreaking. disturbing. wrenching. tormenting. horrible feelings.

i really cannot imagine myself to be eternally separate from them! that would be hell for me!

and so in that moment of reminder, i prayed for courage to share the gospel with them. and talking to my cousin over msn just now helped me see my real struggle in sharing the gospel with them. the conversation is copied below;

>TinA<> prev time when u sre Christ, u didnt face any neg or rejection?

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
ya have

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
but it doesnt bother me so much now

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
now i just want so much to share to them

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
but i just.... dunno what to say sometimes

>TinA<> ok

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
its like i have so much burden

Serene - Serving for His glory. says:
but for me to just tell them whats on my heart is like so HARD

Serene - Serving for His glory. says: i think its pride!

----------------------------------------------------

PRIDE. u know what the bible says about pride?

Proverbs 16:18 (New King James Version) "Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall. "

in modern terms, it means;
Proverbs 16:18 (The Message)
"First pride, then the crash— the bigger the ego, the harder the fall."

Proverbs 11:2 (NIV) says "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

i have noticed so many times how my pride just gets in the way of me sharing the gospel. i'm not taking about pride as in the taking pride, but the ego and "face" issue that goes with identifying yourself as a believer. i think i am worse than Peter who denied Jesus 3 times! i probably, but not sharing my faith, have denied him so many times! and i feel so bad afterwards!! Just like Peter.

but now, i dont wish to continue like this. i want to share my faith boldly. but i really need courage. i really need to do without pride. i need humility. Dear Lord, help me.
the worst thing i can do is not to share eternity with them.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Saturday, May 16, 2009

remember my question marks post?

Prov 3:5-6 is the answer God gave me in response to my question marks! and i received it sooner than i expected! it came like within 30mins after i posted it. Wow. so fast! God sure is not slow!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

when i read that verse, the answer to my questions started to form and take shape. i realise what i need to do. and in Matt's terms, the ?????? became l (straight line).
yes it is a popular and easy to understand verse and we all like to quote it. but when i read through that whole proverb, i realise why God showed me that verse. The verse tells me that God knows i have many questions, but the answers to them is not to find solutions. The answer to them is to trust God, and that He will turn the things that I am uncertain or unsure about, walkable, solvable, clearer, straight. Praise the Lord!

its so amazing rite? it's another of my wow moments with God!

Just delighting in You.

Friday, May 15, 2009

just wanna find my delight in God now... i just read Joi's blog and i am so awed by her experience with God! it is so exciting to learn from God and accelerate! i like the term she uses, "Brake-free"!
indeed, just break free of all the things that hold us down, and stop us down from pursuing and desiring God with all our hearts, mind, soul and strength! Just go ALL out in knowing God and all that He has for you.

woa, that chiongness is something i havent felt in a while. it is good to read about someone all fired up for God... but isnt it better if you could be like that person? :) to be all fired up for God, all passionate, no holds back, to just run after God with all your being and might?

suddenly, i crave for that too in my relationship with God! why, have i lost that fire? when did i lose it? have i lost it? why do i feel as if i am not as on fire? what are the things that prevent me from doing that? Have i not been all out for God? Am i?

is my fire still burning? or has it been stuffed out? dying down? what is the state of the fire in me?

i sense its dying out.. dear Lord, burn it strong within me once again. I just wanna to delight in you once again... to just delight in You. to go ALL out, with all my being, and might... to love you with my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Grace Family Day 2009 Pics..

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

below are some of my fave pics..

and lastly, my favest pic of the lot! :)

How can i keep from singing?

have been listening to this song over and over again, at least once each day. other than it being a nice melodic and meangingful name, i find myself drawn to this song because of the words. they are little reminders to myself to praise God in all circumstances, no matter what. and really, how can i keep from singing? each day i seem to depend on this song to lift my spirit to sing praise to God! For i know, no matter how my day is, what i am going through, who i am, what i do, God is worthy of praise. He is worthy of my praise just because of who He is.

How Can I Keep From Singing? - Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing You'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

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at this moment i am quite at a loss because there are 2 relationships in my life right now which i am absolutely clueless about how to go about handling. and its affecting me quite abit.

it seems that for 1, something in the r/s has changed. for the other, nothing has changed, or rather it remains. and the change and no change startled me quite a bit.. cos i didn't think that anything in both relationships will change. and i just dunno how to handle from here. should i just let things be, or take some action to confront the matter? its really bothering me now cos i dont like ambigious relationships, and to make things complicated, even friendships have different levels and "type". SO..what "type" ? i think i really need God's wisdom to help me in this area of HR. which i think i am always quick to start, but ill-equipped to end. i'm not one who likes to say No, and that's causing me to be really indecisive and incongruent about problem solving in defining the clarity of my relationships. i need clarity. but i think you need clarity too.

A failure?

Monday, May 11, 2009

last sat during Young Adult's service, a person by the name of Bro. Alton preached. i called him that bcos i dunno who he is. dont rem seeing him before, and dunno if he's a member of our church.

but as he began to share his message.. i found myself sitting up and listening attentively. He talked about the life of Peter as described in the bible. The title of his message was; From Failure to Fortitude: insights from the life of Peter.

He shared with us the background of Peter; what kind of man he is; where he lived and what he did for a living. He showed us the map of the places mentioned where Peter stayed, lived and travelled. in short, he used the life of Peter to illustrate the many ways Peter had failed, and his failures documented! and later how God transformed Peter from his many failures, to the Peter who founded the New Testament church.

just wanna share some really great insights and points Bro Alton mentioned..

3 failures of Peter:

fear: a walk he (Peter) could not complete.

worldliness: a kingdom perspective he could not see. (spiritually dull)

denial: a faith he could not hold.

and though Peter failed at these times, and in these incidents.....
God extended his mercy and love and reinistated Peter's ministry and restored him. God brought him out of the vicious cycle of failure. Failure is very much a consequence, process as it is a perception and view of self. that thought of being a failure, and being labelled one is defeating enough.

later on in the bible we see that Peter had moved from;

fear--> faith

worldliness-->godliness

denial-->declaration

on breaking the cycle of failure, Bro Alton offered these key facts ; (very precious insights!)

1) Failure reminds us of our frailty.
-our flaws, our weaknesses and our limitations can only be revealed when we fail.

2) Failure offers us the opportunity to experience God.
-accentuates the grace and power of God
-helps us see the purpose of God

3) Failure enables us to extend God's hand to those who fail.
-we can better minister with God's love.

from failure to fortitude. fortitude is strength.

in this world and society, failure has become unacceptable, and a standard of measure of a person's competence and worth. to have failed is to be lesser. failure is viewed and taken so negatively and harshly by many.

what Bro Alton said at the very end during the altar call was i felt the most empathetic and reaches to the core of the human heart which has been through failure and felt like a failure. he said something like this;

"i stand here today because i have been a failure and i know what it feels like."

but God's grace, and love extend to you. God doesnt see failures the way the world sees them. God's measure is not how well you've done, or the fact that you've never failed before. His measure is love. and can u measure that?

there is always grace, love, hope, acceptance in God. there is a place and space God allows for those who have failed. He knows failure. but He doesnt see failure the way the world sees it.

as i stood in the audience, listening to his message.... i just feel so deeply about what he has shared. and i sensed so much of God's grace, love and mercy for those who have failed. and i too can attest to that! for i too, have failed and made many mistakes... labelled as a failure, failed so many history tests, maths tests, and failed to score well in my studies... yet each time, as i come to God broken and saddened, and defeated by these failures, God always let me sense his comforting presence and love for me. In my most unlovable state and many failures, God lets me know He loves me, loves me still, loves me in spite and despite of those failures.

and i know for all those who walked down to the front of the stage that day, those who admitted their failures and want to experience God in their failures, they DID! and i just know deeply in my heart, soul and spirit, God provided comfort, grace, forgiveness and acceptance for each of them as they needed it. Our God is a God of grace. He accepts and loves the person just unconditionally. :)

as i prayed for one sister, i just teared bcos i sensed her pain... and i sensed it quite strongly. she was crying and i wanted to cry with her! the pain was so real.. and in that moment i knew, God was comforting her. God knew her pain. and as a sister in christ, i finally experienced what it means to mourn with those who mourn cos that was really how i felt while praying for her. actually it felt more like i was praying with her. i felt like i was with her in her pain. and i felt God was with her in her pain too.

from failure to fortitude.
fortitude is strength.

Dear Lord, thank you for helping us learn this precious lesson through Bro Alton! :)

many question marks...and a very WRONG dream.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

there are many question marks to the questions i am asking. i dont have the answers and bcos of that i am so fan!
and while i couldnt sleep last night, i thought about so many things. thought about cell, about work etc..

been also asking questions about cell plans in May, work, about what God is doing in my life...
thinking about a few individuals in cell, about the children earlier in the program, about why certain things happen, and why certain things dont happen, about a particular person, about a dream which i had on thurs i think..

talking about this dream......................its just very WRONG.
its a dream that is so abnormal! i dreamt abt being in this bgr r/s with a friend and he was doing things with me that only a bf would dare to be allowed to do! OMG! okay..its not sex. it was kissing. but to me, it was just horrendous! i wonder why he didnt get bashed up by me in the dream! but when i woke up, i felt so .....taken advantage of! but in the dream, i was enjoying it! omg! its is so .......................!!!!!!!!! and i dont think in the dream, we are officially bf and gf. OMG.
wo de tian ah!

my mum would straight away say of such things.. bu xiang hua!

exactly! what kind of a dream is that? what did we think we were doing???!

aiyo.......i should be so paiseh now..! hide my face! okay that was my open secret to you dear reader. so dui lian stuff... but aiya nvm.. i shall be transparent n honest here.. i am just as human as any human. ha. it is not to justify the dream. it is to let you know i am not infallable, and i am not immune to worldliness, and such weird, and wrong dreams.

dreams are really mysterious arent they?

and i am so GLAD this dream ISNT real! thank God! if not i dont think i can face anyone again with integrity and purity, or even any decency. and not to mention to be able to face someone i like. :) so ya.. thank God i am currenly single, if not how to face bf or husband? that would be really tormenting!

as for the many questions i ask but have no questions to, they just drive me to the prayer closet. i pray. and i find that'sthe only thing i can do at this point. i have no answers, no solutions. but God doesn't! God knows all my thoughts. He has not run out of solutions or answers. He has the answer. SO i just turned these questions to God, and ask Him. haven heard his reply to them yet. But i believe i will have them answered in time, bcos God hears my prayers. And God will answer in His time, in His way.

so God, all my question marks, i turn them all to you. I want your answers bcos i know none and have none.

Thank you Lord!

Godly sorrow...

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I was reading 2 Cor today, and the verse below stood out so strongly for me...and it was like a "woa.." moment as i try to understand what it means. Godly sorrow leaves no regret but worldly sorrow brings death! sorrow is always thought of as a negative emotion, and no one likes to feel sorrowful. But here Paul talked about godly sorrow as an emotion which leads to something good! It leads to slavation, and it leaves no regret! woa.. but the sorrow as the world knows it, brings death.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

2 Cor 7:10 (NIV)

"For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death."

2 Cor 7:10 (NLT)

Prayer is necessary.

Monday, May 04, 2009

"i just finished watching Jim Symbala's video semon of My house shall be called a house of prayer, and i am convicted by the Holy Spirit that i havent been praying enough even thou i pray........maybe i just need to pray more, and worry less. this cannot be achieved by any man's effort, but only by prayer. and i am saddened for them, bcos they know what is good for them, and they reject it. worse, they may not recognise what's good for their soul. and worst if they do not recognise their spiritual state and do something about it. and worst if they do not know they are dying spiritually, and that they need God. i fear some of the above are true. of cos i hope they arent! but i will pray. continue to pray. and pray more. i realise i cannot sit by and do nothing anymore. i need to pray more. we need the power of the holy spirit to do a deeper work in their lives. we need to start living boldly as Christians and be on the go and fire for God and evangelism. Have we been "quiet" too long? pls join me in prayer and intercession....... i believe many are far from God. we need the power of the holy spirit." (taken from an email which i wrote a while back.)

past few days, i've been praying for a few persons, cell members, mum and bro salvation, and myself. i realised i needed to be sharper in my hearing of God. after the mentoring session with Brenda and the other YWA leaders, i am made more aware of spiritual warfare and how it affects Christians. through our sharing, i just felt more convicted to seek the Lord in prayer, to hear what i needed to pray about.

there can be zillion things to pray about; but what i wanted to know was; what should i be praying about? i also realise i need clearer instructions and directions from God to lead his people, and for myself to be more sensitive to the work of the Holy Spirit and what God wants to do in AHH, and my life. i need to pray and ask God because i need to know where God wants to bring the cell and me, and what He wants to do. i cannot be ignorant nor stay ignorant. need to guard against spiritual warfare. the leaders need to pray. the members need to pray.

prayer is not just the leaders' job. prayer is for every member too, every Christian.

Reinhard Bonnke said this in one of his teaching videos; "To be prayerless is to be defenseless."

how true! If as Christians, we don't pray, how can we stand firm in the face of trouble, and spiritual warfare? If we do not build a strong foundation on Christ our rock, if our relationship with God has grown cold, how will we be able to resist the enemy when he attacks? The house will just topple. the weak foundation will be swept away, and whatever little knowledge we have of God will be tested and challenged. When that day comes, will we be able to stand?

"To be prayerless is to be defenseless."

what is your defense against the enemy?

if you do not know how to pray, you can start with the Lord's prayer in the book of Matthew 6:9-13,

"This, then, is how you should pray:
'Our Father in heaven,hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.' "

more about how to pray can be found in Matthew 6. and you can also listen to Ps Jim Symbala's well-known sermon on prayer; “My House Shall be Called a House of Prayer” at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5015435750261664501

the importance and necessity of prayer cannot be overemphasized. Prayer is VITAL to Christians.

let's join our hands in prayer. let us not give up praying.

Poverty Episode 2...

Sunday, May 03, 2009

i din expect anyone to be eagerly expecting me to write about ep 2 and 3.. but there is one! and he's my dear brother in christ, jia liang. :)
dunno why he is so looking forward to me writing about the poverty series... cos they are not really delightful things to write about... poverty is not a popular topic.

but i guess since i said i will write.. i will. and in these poverty, i realise i may be poor, but i will be poorer if i didn't have Christ. :) but since i have Christ, though i am poor, i am rich.

reminds me of a hymn that goes;

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

the title of this hymn is Give Thanks.

and i give thanks, for it is God who has seen me through my poverty. :)

Poverty Episode 2:
ok i got my claims of slightly over $50 and plus $20 which i had in my wallet, i was happy and confident that i could now get by the weekend, and even to tues(payday). while at work, grandma called to ask me to visit her as she was not feeling well. getting a little worried, i told her i would pop by and visit her after work. when i reached grandma's house, i saw that she looked ill and weak. she did not eat her dinner and had no appetite. Martha was also feeling unwell with a headache. After i had my dinner, and grandma managed to eat some, i decided to bring her to the clinic.

at the clinic, we waited close to 45mins before we saw the doc. when we finally saw the doc, i was super relieved when he diagnosed grandma's sickness as the after effects of dialysis. grandma was put to ease too after hearing that she would be alright. however, what the doc said next worried me.. he said something like "ok i will give her this medicine, but it will be slightly more expensive. " okay..when a GP says expensive, you know that it is not going to be cheap! duh. so i replied to the doc "I just hope i have enough money to pay."

the next few minutes spent waiting was spent in anxiety.. i kept wondering how expensive the medication would be and whether i have enough money to pay! and what if i didnt have enough? What am i supposed to do? Grandma didn't bring her wallet and Martha had no money. It was just me to pay. and what if i didn't have the money? All these thoughts ran back and forth in my mind. When the clinic assistant finally called out grandma's name, i went to the counter, eager to know the amount to pay yet at the same time worried about not having enough money to pay. she said "that will be 36 dollars." .........i was stunned for a while, and quickly paid the money! ssecretly in my heart, i heaved a "PHEW...thank God i have enough!" yes, for just 1 type of medicine,that was definitely expensive, but i was just GLAD that i was spared the embarrassement of not having enough money to pay!

so at the end of thurs, i was left with around $40 in my wallet. and i seriously wondered how i was to get by the weekend with that amount. it seemed highly impossible as i knew i was spending sat and sun meeting friends, and will be out. it will be impossible not to spend money. and it was highly possible the money wouldnt last till tues.

on fri, i woke up late and took a cab to work (there went my $10plus!!!). and with the money left from thurs, i had lunch (skipped breakfast), dinner, took a cab to Victory Family Centre with Wanjin, and later supper at the famous dao huay stall in geylang with my cell group and TGIF cell group after Ps Jim Symbala's prayer conference. i was glad i went for the prayer conference. it was a message the church needed to hear.

at the end of fri, i checked my wallet to find $7plus left. :( how was i to get by till tues? It was impossible.

that was my poverty episode 2. the most miraculous part of my poverty series i think, was episode 3. It was there when i tried to solve the lack of money my own way and finding out for myself God had made a way. God provided the precise amount and in His immaculate timing.

and it led me to say "i dont dare doubt God anymore."

his ways are not my ways... as said in Isaiah: 55:8-10

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

i will try to find time to blog about episode 3, pls be patient if u have been following and is eager to find out what happened next! God is good! I am sure my poverty experience is just one of the many other evidences of God's providence, goodness and faithfulness. what's yours? :)

Serene, 25, Christian
a sinner saved by God's grace.
a beloved child of God.
a social worker (youth).
a daughter.
a sister to 2 younger siblings.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." -1 John 4:10

*God; the Father, Son Jesus and Holy Spirit
*Family; Tan
*Church; Grace Assembly of God
*My close friends
*My cell group; AHH (After His Heart)
*Youths
*Missions
*Children
*Good food, Chocolates and Ice-cream!

Lyrics | Chris Tomlin lyrics - Made To Worship lyrics

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