Never been unloved; you too!

saddened

Sunday, December 30, 2007

got into an argument with mum earlier
misunderstood by her
why doesnt she believe me?
i am her daughter
i can understand why she was angry
but i cannot understand why she chose not to believe me

its not the first time.

so i feel unloved by her
the only person whom i felt loved by in the family was my dad.

when daddy left
i thought he would return to us someday soon
then we will be reunited.
now i know he will not.
and soon we will cease any relations.

and i thought u would understand me since u're my friend
yet when u questioned me, i know u also do not understand
like the rest, u are clueless abt my feelings
i am silent bcos i dunno what to say to make u understand.

i am saddened by what i am experiencing.

who will love me for who i am?

grateful for cell grp

Friday, December 28, 2007

just reached home from cell at Arron's place. Though we ended late today, i felt that it was time well spent. A total of 10 people today. Jeanie and Isaac also joined us for the 1st time. I am grateful for times like these, cos it is reassuring to know that i am not alone in this journey of faith. and i have brothers and sisters to count on. and i am still learning what it means to let God lead. Just today before cell, i was reminded how little i pray for the cell. and i felt quite guilty so i started to pray for the cell. indeed, i cannot expect to lead the cell alone or by my own efforts, for i will surely fail. If i want God to work in this cell, then i must allow God to do the work, and not do it myself.

today, i am encouraged by the people who came. Encouraged by Yun Yun who bought and treated us dinner and drinks, by Arron who opened up his house for cell, by Jeraldine L and Jeremy who chose to come cell when their company dinner was cancelled, by Jeanie who was eager to come, by Isaac who came, by Hannah who came after her band practice, by Grace who agreed to lead worship although it was quite last min.

and bcos of these, i am hopeful that cell will be better.

_____________________________________

how was your Christmas?

i spent last yr's christmas with friends.
this yr Christmas's eve i went to Yong Bing's house for party, together with the SP cell. I really spend a lot of time with the SP peeps ha. Ps Esther also came! we watched Bruce Almighty vcd and i have to say though the plot is quite ridiculous, it is actually entertaining! LOL. then we played some concentration game, and yes i ended up singing "Twinkle twinkle little star" as forfeit. i am HOPELESS at coordination games. ARGH. and there was such an OBVIOUS conspiracy to SABO me. yes. then we exhanged gifts by drawing lots. and it was a PTL (Praise the Lord) moment for me! Just that morning, i was at NTUC with my mum and i just had a sudden craving for ferrero rocher. but for some reason, i din buy. Guess what. At the gift exchange, my gift was a box of FERRERO ROCHER! I couldnt believe my eyes! PTL! Feels good to receive a gift u want!
this christmas party was also unique and memorable for me cos a few of us gathered in the room to sing christian songs. it was just spontaneous. James L brought his guitar, we had nothing to do, so we just thought of singing along while he played. Then someone suggested sing worship songs. It was AMAZING. Singing the songs just reminded me what Christmas is all about. It is not about the nice food, presents, christmas tree or log cake. It is about Jesus! God sent Jesus to be born on this day for the world. For Christians, christian is a day of meaning and significance. Without Jesus, there will be no hope. Jesus is our saviour. He deserves our praise and worship. Truly, Jesus is the reason we celebrate Christmas.

then i spent Christmas day with a morning service in church, then going to Xingfen's new house and meeting mum and sis for dinner.

i believe my christmas this year was well spent. i spent time with church friends, with close friends and family. i have nothing more to ask for. =) i'm contented with what i have.

Leaders' Retreat 19-21 Dec 2007

Friday, December 21, 2007

this retreat was special cos instead of doing the normal program and activities thing, we were divided into groups and played a boardgame called church game. Guess what? the explanation took the speaker 3 hours! woa...where got game explanation take so long one? by the time we can start playing the game, all of us were bored already. talk about being excited. heh.
as we started playing the game, actually quite interesting and exciting. we had to plan and strategise how to build a church from stratch! Being so amateur, ha..we just explored everything that came along. and we realised, maintaining a church is expensive! And u need lots of messengers, people who are motivated and mobile to bring unbelievers into the church. i guess though the game took almost an entire day to play, each of us learnt something which we can apply to our lives. and that is admirable.
this retreat we also had more time to interact with one another and it was good. it was good just to share in such a relaxed manner and to play and have fun.
i am glad in this retreat i managed to know James C better. and thats bcos he is helping me play guitar for worship. I always think that he is a good guy. and in this retreat, having gotten to know him better, it just reconfirms that. i hope we will always be able to interact this well. it is sad to know each other as friends and yet treat each other as invisible or strangers in church. at least that was how i felt last time. but now its so much better. thanks to this retreat where we had more chance to talk. really grateful that things are better now. =) i'm happy and contented.
well, now is the 2nd day of the retreat. tmr is the last day. u must be wondering how come i am able to blog. ha. cos the retreat is in the church and i am now using the office comp to blog.
my sis is also away for her church camp.
bro just called to ask where we are. ha. silly boy.
all in all, i'm feeling much better than few days ago. feeling more settled and at ease.
those overwhelming desires seem to have subsided.....

being misunderstood.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

it was a close call today.
barely had 3 hours of sleep. i woke up at 8:40 this morning and had to rush like mad for the staff devotion at 9! thank God that i woke up automatically at 8 plus, usually i will only be up by lunchtime.
so today din start off very well.
i think in many people's eyes, i am a gal who is simple minded and somewhat an idealist. it oftens seems to them that my view of the world is rather shallow and superficial...maybe a tad too optimistic. thats why they will take extra effort to correct my perception. i do not blame them...i think what i say often is simple minded and idealistic. what they may not realisedis the parts i do not say. that means i do not speak aloud every single thought on my mind. and what i do eventually say is the processed, filtered and often more rational and optimistic view! Afterall, i will give the more positive and simplified version of things. disappointingly, people really take the surface value of what i say, yet fail to appreciate how i come to say what i say, and think that i must be a simple minded, idealistic and rather immature person...
and when people try to correct my "surface" view of things, most of the time, they are just repeating of what had already been through my mind. thats why for me, listening to them can be quite frustrating. does the problem lies with me? if so, how can i better communicate my thoughts? really dont like to be misunderstood. but it seems that there is something very wrong with the way i communicate.

help!!!!

i dont want your sympathy, i need you to understand.

do you?

blurred vision on a rainy n lazy Monday

Monday, December 17, 2007

i went to office at noon. and less than 2 hours into work, i decided to head for home.
why?
cos there was some problem with my contacts and it affected my vision. i had to take the left side off. so i cant see very well..not well enough to work, so i decided to head home.
then later i went TPY to shop for gifts for the gals CMs..and i ended buying one top and eyeshadow for myself! this is bad right?
and now i am typing this in the comfort of my home.
its a lazy lazy Monday..

oh...i went to play badminton with the SP cell yest! it was fun. but i didnt enjoy it. cos half the time, my butt was stuck on the wooden bench, watching them play. was so lazy bones. actually not really lazy bones. but i was unhappy. i was just thinking what had happened the last few days and trying to make sense of all that has happened. but i'm glad they have fun. they are such a lovable bunch. (",) i simply love them!
where has my contentment disappeared to?
why am i suddenly so dissatisfied with being a single?
woa...that's quite scary.
and this thought can be so distracting and harmful
and prevents me from attaining true joy
i dont have the answers but i want to be like Paul when he said;

"i know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. " -phil 4:12

i want to be to be able to say that and truly mean it.

HAPPINESS is a choice.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Joy is given by God.

I wish i will remain happy all the days of my life!
realistically thats not possible.

hmm..but the joy of the Lord shall be my strength.

and i shall rejoice though i may not be happy.

cos nothing and no one else can take that joy away from me.

all glory to God!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

as u may have noticed the last few posts...bgr issues has been weighing my mind.
and....... i've been seeking for answers
i want to understand more how i should approach and view this
it is important and i dont want to mess up
but often i do.

so i've been questioning the meaning of waiting
and this season of singleness
i know i have to get back what really matters
and today during worship
i cant stand it anymore
i cant tolerate my own ambiguity in this issue
i cant tolerate being clueless anymore

so i asked God
i poured out all my questions before God
He didnt say anything
He was there as i rant on with my dissatisfaction and discontent, and my need for answers

If i were to picture God
He would be there sitting beside me
Listening to all i have to say

He still didn't give me any answers
i am still clueless
but somehow His presence was comforting enough
and gave me enough hope
for me to stand up again.

God, thank you! All glory to You!

wish we werent so foolish

isnt it naive to think

that passion alone can sustain a r/s

and when u're deeply attracted to the other person

you're in love

sometimes i wish if only all of us were wiser in r/s

we would have saved ourselves a lot of heartaches.

how often are we guitly of sending the wrong messages to the opposite sex

and how blidly we've followed our emotions

and plunge into a r/s

only to find out a breakup's unavoidable

sometimes i wish i could have avoided the pitfalls

yet though i see but i stubbornly went ahead

ending up bitter and disappointed

sometimes i wish guys can have more self control

and not make decisions based on moments of passion or attraction

not be too carried away

and not rush romance before friendship

offering intimacy but not commitment

and pls dont treat a girl so nice

it makes her misunderstand u like her

and when she likes you

you just want to be friends

that's just irresponsible

i wished i werent so foolish too

and heeded God's advice to wait patiently

and carefully guard my heart

yet each time i just couldnt wait

and proceeded to satisfy my desires

and each time i'm left wondering

why did it go wrong

didn't it feel right

ya right.

and after which i would feel so silly la

instead of guarding my heart

and to grow into the woman God has me to be

i gave a bit

i compromised on the values

i so zealously believed in

how foolish

to think if i could justify those impatient acts

and hasty decisions

just by my feelings

and following my heart

and now i begin to see

how foolish i am

i said i would wait

yet what came out was impatience

i said i would live life to the fullest as a single

yet i was secretly hoping i was in a r/s

what is this?

laughable.

its foolish of me to think i could make romance happen just like that

actually i could

but that romance would not last

when i read stories of godly couples

how God led them to meet and to marriage

that's how i want my story to be like to

but i need to be willing to surrender my love life to God

If i want him to be the author of my love story

in this area, my trust in God is realy tested.

and if i truly desire God's best for me

i will wait, even if it means i dont see.

holding on for God's best.

i didnt expect the answer to be out so soon today and certainly not hear it from someone other than himself.
no i didnt ask. it so happened that the topic was brought up and the answer was revealed!
i guess i really think too much. by right, the anwser should have come as a relief. yet somehow, i am slightly grieved. i say slightly cos thank God i havent fallen deep.
after i heard the truth of the matter, i was numbed for a while. trying to let the info sink in, and that took like a few minutes. when i finally grasped the reality, i grieved. for a moment, my future seemed bleak. now that my hopes were dashed, now what?
and i began to question God and also was angry with Him. why did this happen? i thought i was doing it your way? how come it still ended up this way? why Lord? sudddenly i din want to follow God's plan anymore. suddenly, i felt so much like a loser for holding out this way. suddenly i just feel so stupid. suddenly, i just wanted to stop believing in God.
bcos things did not work out the way i expected.
in that moment of reality, so many things ran through my head. bitterness, angst, grief, sorrow.
i became disinterested in whatever i was doing at that moment.
i just want to whine.
and i just wanted to pity myself.
i really wanted to give up my r/s with God. really. in that moment.
in this limbo mode, a voice within me told me this, " Do you really love him more than you love God? when you grieve like that, Jesus grieves with u too."

as i began to reason things, i discovered the true answer.
no, i dont love him more than Jesus. i love Jesus more. i cant live without Jesus, can i?
i'm been focusing my attention on him so much that i've misplaced God.
i've given my priority to him and not God.
Did i really love him?

thankfully, after that reasoning, i felt so much better. yes my hopes were dashed and i feel really disappointed and sad. it seems that my world got a little darker today. it seems that now the road aheads seems so much cloudier. i am still sadder than happier now. i am slightly grieved.

i dont understand why this has to happen to me. i whine at the fact that i have to wait all over again. and i detest this season of waiting. i wished i can fast forward my life to my wedding day.
and the hope that keeps me holding on is knowing that God has the best for my life.
it is very difficult to trust God cos i cannot see what He is doing.
i just have to trust that He is working.

Lord, i'm holding on

For the best you have for me

Though i cannot see

What you would bring

Lord, i'm holding on

Its hard but i 'm gonna try

I know you need my obedience

and my wholehearted surrender

Lord, please help me

To know you have the best for me

Assure my insecure heart

That You will never fail

and You are good

All the time

Even when it is hard

Lord, i want to draw near and seek

Your will above mine

Help me Lord

To hold on for Your best.

Ten Point Star

Friday, December 14, 2007

NICE? given to me by Benny. ha..he's so free to resort to doing origami...anyway..i also dunno why he gives this to me. also not Christmas present. with what kind of feelings n thoughts should i view this present? hmmm...thinking...thinking...anyway its nice to receive gifts ! Thanks friend!

no regrets..

Thursday, December 13, 2007

just went dinner with Benny at anchorpoint. The KFC is open!!! oh man..now there are more shopping choices! hahaha...and i saw a white digital watch on display, original price 55, now only 29! wow! ah...really want to buy a decent watch that will last...think it will be better than keeping buying those 5 bucks ones from Bugis Village. hmmm...but now no $$$ to buy..
and i want to buy a bag !!! ha...i got things to buy but no $$$. with my intern pay..now really cannot buy alot of things that i want. it is a sacrifice but i dont regret choosing this path. =)

cos i'm really grateful for this internship experience. I have learnt a lot. i have also grown in my walk with God. in this internship, i also learnt how to love others, to forgive, to not bear grudges, to be still before God, to be humble, to perservere in trying situations, to endure hardships. I've experienced much grace from the pastors, all my colleagues. Joy when i know that i've been of help to someone else. Fulfilment upon an assignment well done. Like i told Grace Ng, this internship is not work to me, it is ministry.

=) so i am grateful i chose this path. i also thank God for he granted me this desire of my heart.

oh not to mention, during a few days ago at Rhema conference, i got the chance to lunch with our guest pastor!!! Ps Andy Yeo from ACTS church in M'sia and his beautiful wife. I felt so privileged la...just like eat with superstar like that. Sp when Ps Cx smsed me and asked me if i could take them to lunch, i couldnt believe it la!!! u mean now i can actually come face to face with the guest speaker? i was very excited !!! and of cos i agreed la. Who wouldn't ? at first i thought i would be very nervous and unnnatural in front of them. but in the end, not so bad la..i could still joke with them. They are such a sweet couple. can see that Ps Andy really love and care for his wife, and Mrs Yeo is very nice. She is capable, friendly and beautiful! and yes, we had such a sumptious lunch at ICHIBAN Sushi at IMM. ya, got good food...so u bet i was smiling throughout the lunch! hahaha....i was soooooooo happy!

kkz...below the pic we took. from left to right, me, Ricky, Ps Andy and his wife, PS Esther.
internship is full of excitment!!!

YES, i rebonded my hair!

my non-existent love life

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

actually that is quite a contradiction. i have love in my life. just havent found the love of my life YET.
lol.

it is strange. i thought i liked him. but i realised i may have preferred another one! oh dear! what am i thinking of? and that other one has been asking me questions which i think are very weird la! "Do you want to get married someday?" and "how many kids do you want to have?" and "what if a guy asks you to wait for him for 3 years, would you wait?"

hey. why ask me questions like that? hmmm....are they questions u would ask a friend?
maybe ya.

ha..i dunno if got hidden meaning anot. actually i really want to know. but i dont dare ask. cos i scare i'd open a can of worms! liddat worse rite?

the thing is, as i pondered abt who my future partner wil be and when he will come into my life, i am so convinced by Joshua Harris that i should hand it all over to God and trust in his providence and timing! how HARD! but i am really convinced that God has the best! it is just that i find it really really really really x100x HARD to wait. ah....who can identify with me, pls nod your heads.

thanks for noddding.
=)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye!

Until we can commit to making a relationship work for the rest of our lives--and yes, it is a huge commitment--we do ourselves and others a disservice by pursuing short-term love in the meantime.

-Joshua Harris

Rhema ROCKS!

The world has nothing for me, I'll follow You.

XR47 outing to ECP

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

i enjoyed myself today..it was so FUN! despite the downpour..
the St. Marg gals volunteers, Eddie and i planned for this trip since 1 month ago..
finally today, we took the kids to ECP for "the amazing race".
only 6 kids came, quite a disappointment but i thank God all of us enjoyed ourselves!
u know, watching the kids play is a learning experience in itself.
they are so easily contented..
they run when asked to...=) ..no questions asked..
they wait patiently to have more fun....haha...
they dont give you face...(by speaking whatever is on their mind!)
THEY ARE ENTHUSIASTIC/SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING FUN!!! (they DONT mind the outrageous...see below!)
=) kids..

in their world, there is so much fun and joy...

THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE DAY.

the carpark 's their skiing rink.

the kids after a good mac lunch.

oh my...is it washable?

we can't escape anymore..

Just wrap me properly..

Where's my letter?

Cute Manuel.

what a sight to behold....

Serene, 25, Christian
a sinner saved by God's grace.
a beloved child of God.
a social worker (youth).
a daughter.
a sister to 2 younger siblings.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." -1 John 4:10

*God; the Father, Son Jesus and Holy Spirit
*Family; Tan
*Church; Grace Assembly of God
*My close friends
*My cell group; AHH (After His Heart)
*Youths
*Missions
*Children
*Good food, Chocolates and Ice-cream!

Lyrics | Chris Tomlin lyrics - Made To Worship lyrics

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