I’m afraid this is killing me slowly
This inner and hidden desire
It is so tempting
I’m driven to the edge
Being around people becomes a torture
Should I let this consume me
If I know it will destroy me?
i’ve fallen so many times
I don’t wanna fall again
The only one who can save me is You
Pls save me from myself
I know I shouldn’t be feeding it
But I cant help it
Lord help
What I am going through is what I am going through
Cant be compared to those who are suffering for ur name
They bore so much for the sake of your kingdom
They willingly gave up their lives
Why am I here fending my own interests?
Fueling my own desires?
Lord, I know your kingdom should be my 1st priority
Yet I find myself falling faster than I let u catch
It is killing me slowly
Consuming me
Come save me Lord
Lord I know u have been good to me and love me so much
Why do I desire something more?
Something u have not given me?
This has burdened me for so long
When will it stop?
Lord I believe u will provide
But I really feel so lousy now
Feel so lonely
Feel so scared
So in want
……………………………………….
And I feel like a loser……………….
But because you are who u say you are
And when I say I believe
I really do
I resolve
To leave this at your altar of grace
I resolve
To worship u no matter the circumstance in my life
I resolve
To love you all the days of my life
I resolve
To live my life to the fullest for You
I resolve
To let u be the King of my life
Lord, take your place
I’m leaving me at your altar of grace.Labels: at your altar of grace all else fades
just met up with Ervina for dinner at Ikea and i left the place ministered to. I get a sense of what i should do as a CL. like a lost sheep, i've been shown the illuminated directions. now i am filled with ideas on how i should go about doing things. for quite some time, i have been feeling clueless on what and how i should be doing for cell and for myself. after today, i know i am getting nearer the answers. i cant help thanking God for placing Ervina in my life. She is another God-sent(s). =) She has given me some many insights and perspectives that i would otherwise have missed. She listens with such understanding, discernment, patience and empathy that i know i am talking to the right person. really thank God for her. without her, i think i wouldnt have been able to cope effectively as a CL. CL-ing really sounds easier said than done. To be a leader is one thing. To be a good leader is another. And if u are a leader but not a good one, then i think u'd be better not being one. In leadership, one has great influence on the people one is leading, like it or not. Thus, in a way, to a lesser or more degree, u are impacting lives. How can it be taken lightly?
so i aspire to be a good leader.
and good leaders need good and continuous input.
though i stumble along the rope of leadership, i have also learnt many precious lessons on faith, perserverance, belief in others, accountability, humility and flexibility. since last yr, there have been a few major changes to the cell structure, and 1 "crisis"...sometimes, i worry the cell may just fall apart anytime. .. but i'm reminded God's grace is always present in times of crisis.. and He extends His grace to his those who seek Him. i'm very grateful to God and for God for seeing me thru times like these where i was helpless.
i'm reminded; my God is Jesus.
i do not lack anything now
yet i feel i have lost something
i do not come so close now
even though i know i easily can
i do not speak as much as i do
where have i put u?
Lord, pls show the way back to u again
i know i dont want to wake up and be alone
nor do i want to face each day in nonchalance
Your grace is my comfort
Your joy is my strength
Your love is my courage
Your word is my encouragement
Find me where i am lost
i want to be found.
at this age...i'm finding it hard to remain neutral
i am losing the grip to cope with this
i find myself in deep envy and possibly regret...
no one beside...
will it be forever?
how long can i last this way?
needing to feel loved
i'm in want again.
Lord, may u asssure me for the thousandth time, You would provide
cos i cant convince myself any longer.
The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord, can stand up to anything.
You can check out the following!-SumoHouse at clementi, inside CK. they sell cheap and delicious JAp food. the cheapest is their 2.90 chicken and egg don (there is a Jap name for it...but i cant rem..). They sell bento sets, udon, sides and the best is their free flow hot green tea which is flavourful yet light. Really a must try esp when u are on budget!-House of Sudanese. They sell indonesian food...u can order ala carte dishes or take their sets but i guess ala carte are cheaper. try their kangkong, curry chicken in spices... pricing for 2 is around 20 plus if u eat like 3 dishes+drinks. Not bad.-Zi cha at far east. u know the 5th floor of far east sells a lot of chinese food. there is one that sells zi cha and it is beside this halal eatery. both are owned by the same boss. The food there are like normal zi cha pricing. Quite nice food. i tried their fried tang hoon, its yummy. The best part is the uncle is very nice and friendly. Must help him advertise since he so nice. They mainly run on their regulars..which means their food got standard...-Lerk Thai. must try their deep fried fish fillets with sweet sour sauce! is super yummy! their bbq squid is big and juicy. their pandan leaf chicken are not bad. hmmm...that's about all..not all i know but some of the most recent food hunts i frequent. i am quite picky about food. dunno why i am writing about food here..HA.. but guess good things should share mah...heee....do try them out if u free!
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I was lost"
That is why I chose this way.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are all too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I speak His name.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.
© Carol S. Wimmer
Labels: adapted from http://www.promiseofgod.com
i am without my voice again. felt so awkward when i said "Tiong bahru plaza" to the taxi uncle and it came out as "...ru plaza". and when at work, i could only tell others how i mean by gesturing, nodding and shaking my head and pointing. needless to say, people dont get me. and it is funny to sing worship songs when i couldnt hear myself. no sound, no tone, no pitch. i dont even know whether i am singing or talking in my hardly audible voice. its really a discomfort. thank God even though i am not heard, God hears me. For He listen to the sounds of my heart.
i had dinner with Hannah again today. it is really a blessing to have her company. She is such a lovable sister to me. She teaches me something each time she shares her life with me. i know she is one of God-sent(s) to me. She listens to me and validates my feelings and thoughts. She makes me feel good i guess, as she builds me up emotionally. Thank God for someone like her who God brings to accompany life's ups and downs. It makes this life journey less lonely.
Hannah, u are a lovable soul. Dont ever doubt that. U dont have to try too hard to sense God cos He is everywhere. there is nowhere on earth u couldnt find God. Faith is the bridge.
just received a piece of bad news just now. My friend's mum passed away. nv expect that the 1st time i met his mum was the last time. i know my friend is devastated yet he is trying to be strong. i hope that time will help him cope. i will pray for u friend. losing someone is a painful thing. ...but u have to accept and move on. though ur mum is not around anymore, memories of her u will always be in your heart. and bcos of that, u will always have mum in your heart.
do take care k.
when things get a bit dark and blue
i'd start missing again...
do u think the above is true?
k, personally i havent experienced it, so i dunno if it is really true. most of my friends are similar to me, not that we are without our differences. more same than different i would say. same kuai kuai do work in school one, dont skip class ( ha...i did skip A LOT in uni though...), dont smoke, dont drink, no tattoos, dont curse, dont break school rules, family oriented, independent.....
i did encountered some wayward friends back when i was staying temporarily at my grandma's house when i was in lower secondary. They were a few yrs younger than me, smoking already, using flowery language, and were involved in gang. my siblings and i often spent our time after school at the plaground where they came to befriend us. i guess to fit in, my sister and i develop friendship w them. come to think of it, they were harmless. they did not look any diiferent than the average kuai kuai teen. prob the only difference was their thinking. somehow, despite their age, they grew up faster than their same-age counterparts. Looking after themselves, taking care of their own needs were their problems, not their parents. back then, i wondered how they became so streetwise, but never had the chance to know more about their family backgrounds. i reckon their parents hardly spent time with them, probably they just make sure they go school that's all. i think i have nv seen their parents come to the playground to look for them before, even when they usually stayed late into the night on weekdays. hmmm...what kind of childhood did they have?
when we moved back to our own house, we delibrately lost contact with them. that time we were already much older. my sister and i reasoned that we would be better off without them. one of the main considerations was that though, we stayed at my grandma's house for less than a yr, my brother, then 9 or 10, was picking up and sprouting vulgarities! ya, he picked it up from the boys. he also became more violent. we decided the only way for my brother to stop was if we ceased contact with those friends. no contact means no influence. yup, so gradually we ceased all contact from those friends. and my sister and i tried hard to correct my brother's behaviour. it was hard. he was very resistent in the beginning. slowly, when he saw that sprouting vulgarities and gettig violent were not working to get out attention and cooperation, he became better. now, my brother knows what is required of him; what he can say and what he cant, what he can do and what he cant. that was a great relief. i dont think i have been a good sister, but i will do what i can to keep my brother out of evil and trouble. i know i cant keep him in control forever, but i pray he will grow up to be discerning and make wise life choices. my mum dotes on him VERY MUCH, i am glad my sister and i DONT. there is a difference btw love and dote.we dont believe in sparing the rod. we believe in being responsible for one's actions. we believe in learning from mistakes, even stupid ones.
wa...so much about my brother....hmmmm....
well, not everyone has a complete and loving family. i believe behind each of these resilient youths is a grim story of lack of parental love and guidance. perhaps, their uncaring and nonchalant attitude reveals the fact that they have nv been loved, much less been taught how to love.
i guess, afterall i still miss what i've learnt these 3 yrs---social work. i still enjoy the nature of the work. i enjoy interacting with youths and children, finding out about their lives. It intrigues me still. I guess in my case, passion becomes second nature. i think by now, the phobia has worn off quite a bit. i hope to do youth work one day.
i wish my confidence would not fail me this time.
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are we supposed to enjoy all our friends' company? i find myself liking the company of some, as in i feel v happy and relaxed when i hang out with them. on the other hand, hanging out with some friends stress me. somehow, when i hang out with them, i cannot be totally relaxed nor am i happy. is it me or them? no one likes to hang out with a bittergourd right? and i guess it is hard for a kai xin guo to hang out with a bittergourd. either that, or the bittergourd gets bitter-ER when it meets something neutral? i dunnooo....i find myself avoiding 1 colleague of mine bcos i think she can be quite extreme at times, as in being totally unfriendly and cold to other colleagues. and yet, she is super sensitive to people's perception of her. i dunno what she is thinking of though...i guess she treats me as her friend, but i dont really share her views on others and her unfriendly and sometimes spiteful attitude towards others...she kinda scares me sometimes...
i dont need many friends, just a few good ones.
havent been blogging regularly lately and i find it is a relief. a relief cos i know now i am not hopelessly addicted to blogging. no blogging means more time for other things. I told one of my friends i fast msn and he was very puzzled. HA. i think for me, limits have to be set. i am one who always go off- limits....so yah.
met up with James, Joseph, Ps Kieran, Ervina and Bro Chin Seng for dinner and discussion last thurs at botanic gardens foodcourt. personally the pricing there is steep and not worth ur moni. besides that, the company and discussion were good. i know we are in good stewards' hands. the leader needs to be trustworthy before he gains any trust. i believe with certainty our Ps are trustworthy. I dont look at what they preach to ascertain that, i look at their lives and whether they practice what they preach. Integrity is so important. and i trust my judgement.
as i reflect upon my friendships, i know 1 which has probably soured over time. i dunno if it will be mended by time, all i can say to that friend now is, i nv meant to put the blame on u, i just wanted to get the facts right. i really dont want to see u turn into someone whom others view as selfish. cos i know u aint. but ur actions really spoke louder than ur words. ur actions told others everything u never meant to mean. and i dont want u to lose a friend bcos of this. and i know u wouldn't want to lose this friend. i dunno if u know i'm referring to u, if u know, pls know that i and we nv intend to misunderstand u. on the contrary, we were trying our best to understand u.
work has gotten busy bcos my colleague and i took over another colleague's duties as she left last week. Call it unfair, now we are staying back later and doing more stuff , at our own expense. HAIZ. it is work, no choice. if i complain, i will be seen as pampered right? hur... i am..
i found out, in the working world, there are many who work solely for money. afterall, money is necessary and practical mah....
but will money ever buy u what u need?
He was just a little boy on the week's first day. He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way. He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar. He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the "filler." A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high. Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye. A neighbor watched his zig zag course, and hailed him from the lawn; Asked him where he'd been that day and what was going on. "I've been to Bible School," he said and turned a piece of sod. He picked up a wiggly worm replying, "I've learned a lot of God." "M'm very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time." "If you'll tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime." Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor was his accents faint.
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain't."Labels: adapted from http://www.promiseofgod.com
Your kindness warms my heartmakes me look at myself and say i am not deserving at allYet u say, That's my grace, my childi cannot imagine how u could love me with an everlasting lovewhen i am doing things that hurt uLord, truly it is your grace that brought me thus fargrace means undeserved mercy, unmerited favourUNDESERVED...
Sun- EASTER- Jesus resurrectedI worked from 10:30am to 7pm. Then I went dinner with 2 of my colleagues. Both of them are younger than me, 19 this year. We went Marina’s Xin Wang for dinner. It was a fun time. Then we went to chill out at esplanade merlion. We sat there close to 2 hrs! The wind breeze and night scenery were just so captivating. I totally enjoyed the feeling of the wind blowing on my face. We were talking, listening to songs on the phone and feeling the breeze.
I’m glad I did not start remincsing. I’m glad I was just enjoying every moment.
Though I’m older than them, it didn’t feel that way. HA. I am in denial.
God is so good la. He brought me colleagues whom I could relate to and freely share my thoughts. Despite knowing it will be short-lived, cos one of them has left the company to pursue her poly education, and the other will be working till June, I am glad our paths crossed.
SatI have signed for this yr’s church retreat! Then after making some calcualations, I began to worry. About my expenses.
Haiz. Am I too impetuous to sign up without planning ?
But I wanna go leh.
Hmm…3 quarts of my cell people are going too! It is gonna be exciting, heex.anyway, I signed up!
Putrajaya Marriott. *winks*
And on sat, I attended Powerpraise service for youths and young adults at G2. There, around 10 young people I guessed, accepted Jesus into their lives! The words on the slideshow were poignant in portraying how much Jesus loves us. Indeed, the message of Christianity is love. God loves u. It is that simple yet often misunderstood.
Fri- Good Friday-Jesus was crucifiedOh, I spent Good Friday attending the adult service in church. It was packed, almost no seats. Although the sermon is more or less the same every year, this time round, it touched my heart because there were around 10 people who accepted Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. Praise God! I was touched because I know I am going to see these people together in heaven with me!!! And what a great reunion that would be! So I rejoice with the heavens! That friday, our church rejoiced with the heavens.
=)
God is so good.
Jesus did not come to earth to show off his power.
Jesus came and chose to die on the cross because he loves you, and me.
And….do u know, today JESUS lives, and He loves u?
You have never been unloved.
dunno what's wrong w me.i suddenly miss a lots of things, people, days................................
