what is man, that You are mindful of him?
i felt so lousy about myself today. . finding myself disppointed with myself. disgusted with myself. a painful consciousnes of who i really am. surfaced. a ugly side of me only known to myself. my hidden self. my insecurities. my comfort zone. my discomfort. my limits. my evaluation of myself. my weaknesses, inadequacies. a side of me no one really knows. being so real w myself, w God. i havent really known much of myself , have i? well, after today, i know, maybe not. i know what i want to know, only to know it wasn't what i know. i hate this feeling cos it is uncomfortable, disturbing. tugging.. unbearable. now tt i'm so aware of myself, i think i cant live with myself man.
is it true that when us, humans, come to such an almost painful consciousness of who we really are, that we begin to slowly, probably, realise that we are alive? or have we masked ourselves so well that we have forgotten how to breathe?
i'm now so conscious of myself, so conscious that i reckon
it's time i start living. (so that i could still live w myself)
time to realise i am breathing.
time to also tell myself i can do something..and not merely "live w it" or "forget it".
and this bible verse begins to make more sense to me now..as i ponder upon its intended meaning.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Matt 16:25
is life just about going through the motions?
am my mind FULL of myself?
(it's best to read the following aloud..read it line by line.)
What good
What good will it be
What good will it be for a man
What good will it be for a man if he gains
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world,
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeit
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeit his
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?
feelings today;
pissed! -work
angry! -work
frustrated! -work
irritated! -work
flustered! -work
annoyed! -work
disappointed! -work
tired... -work
grief... -prayer -God
hopeful... -prayer- God
peaceful! -prayer- God
what an emotional roller coaster. ( i just realised as i was typing this, just do a simple tally or small observation...u'll know Y i felt so lousy today. Where have i put God today? looks like i left him in the cold room...only to take him out when the day is coming to an end...gosh.! NO WONDER.)
i cant help but think that work has made me such a different person? like how nowadays i am more grumpy, easily irritated, more flustered and less patient. and worse of all, i become more selfish...and become more an angry person and disgruntled person!
i noticed the difference as i reflected in my quieter moments ...tried to recall the no of times i gave God thanks and praise.
i'm feeling the heat really. what is the best way to survive in the workplace and not compromise any of my beliefs and yet be a true Christian? i really struggle...with loving others. Yet i cannot claim to love God if i do not have love for others. and loving those who are good to me is easy. it is loving those who are bad to me that is difficult..just what the bible says. and i think i struggle with it everyday. to love that boss who unknowingly made my life difficult. to love that teacher who ignored me. to be nice to someone who does not think well of me. the list goes on.....
how i wish i could run away from all these....take a long vacation...be a tai-tai...take mc. .
how my imagination would go wild just thinking abt how i could get away from work.
why it is always that if u work hard, peope expect u to work harder? and harder...and harder..
does a human looks like a robot?
hur. pardon my sarcasm. but that's how the real world functions isn't it?
haiz....i'm fast becoming a complain QUEEN all over again...without my knowing sometimes!
encouragement.encouragement.encouragement.encouragement.
encouragement.encouragement.encouragement.encouragement.
Turn ur eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
and the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of your glory and grace.
(I HEARD THIS SONG IN THE UNDERPASS TODAY, AS I WAS RUSHING AND FEELING IRRITATED W WORK. I GUESS GOD IS TELLING ME TO REALIGN MY FOCUS...TO HIM! I FELT MORE ASSURED AND PEACEFUL AFTER HEARING THIS SONG. AND JUST WANNA ENCOURAGE THOSE WHO MAY HAVE FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE. TURN UR EYES TO JESUS.)
AFTER TODAY..
gentle reminders came to mind;
to overcome evil with good. to go 2 miles. to offer the other cheek. to freely give. to lend. to forgive. to take the plank in my own eyes to remove the speck in others' eyes. (i am imperfect too.)
and and....i'm so blessed i took it for granted. there are people who struggle with so much more! what's mine? (complain.complain.complain.complain.complain.complain.?)
maybe its time for me to turn my eyes to Jesus.
so close i believeu're holding me nowin ur armsi believeu'll never let me gowhat is my heart's deepest cry? what do i long to have?what do i desire the most?a gal's heart cry is often to be loved and being together with the guy who she loves.it is also believed to be a gal's deepest desire.i often wondered what is my deepest desire...and it is:to be loved by someone whom i love.i would say that would create the most satisfaction and blissfulness for me. however,it is really when i know that i am in God's arms that i feel the most bliss.money at most makes me happy for a few days.in bgr, there are heartbreaks, hiccupps.in r/s, there r politics, attention seekers, selfishness.in friendships, there is really no forever.i've tried to fill my emptiness with many things.yet the only thing that truly satisfies me is U.i've gone thru the hard way, to find the easy way, the shortest way to U.U say if i am truly still, i would know.u would come to hug and to holdi found out my deepest desire is you, my Lord!U are the one who loves me most!Jesus loves me, this i know, for the bible tells me so...
and i will go...
