i felt so lousy about myself today. . finding myself disppointed with myself. disgusted with myself. a painful consciousnes of who i really am. surfaced. a ugly side of me only known to myself. my hidden self. my insecurities. my comfort zone. my discomfort. my limits. my evaluation of myself. my weaknesses, inadequacies. a side of me no one really knows. being so real w myself, w God. i havent really known much of myself , have i? well, after today, i know, maybe not. i know what i want to know, only to know it wasn't what i know. i hate this feeling cos it is uncomfortable, disturbing. tugging.. unbearable. now tt i'm so aware of myself, i think i cant live with myself man.

is it true that when us, humans, come to such an almost painful consciousness of who we really are, that we begin to slowly, probably, realise that we are alive? or have we masked ourselves so well that we have forgotten how to breathe?

i'm now so conscious of myself, so conscious that i reckon
it's time i start living. (so that i could still live w myself)
time to realise i am breathing.
time to also tell myself i can do something..and not merely "live w it" or "forget it".

and this bible verse begins to make more sense to me now..as i ponder upon its intended meaning.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

Matt 16:25

posted by ser @ 11:09 PM