Never been unloved; you too!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

"Once the giddiness of new love wears off and the honeymoon is over, you need something deeper than infatuation for your marriage to withstand the storms a lifetime of togetherness will bring."

-a quote from the book, 100 answers to 100 questions to ask before you say "I do"

suddenly illuminated.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

just randomly decided to read Matt's weekly devotion to the cell just now, and i am so glad i read it!

some excerpts from it:

When we feel far from God, there is a tendency to think that we probably did something wrong, or that we did not do some things right enough and that we are just getting what we deserved. May we then be reminded that we are all sinners in the hands of a merciful God. We can never do anything right enough, and it is only by the grace of God that we can experience His “touch” in the first place.

It could be very disorienting to suddenly not hear and feel God as we would before. Do not be alarmed. This does not mean that God is moving away from us, for Scripture says that God would never ever leave us or forsake us. It is just that God wants us to learn something more important.There seems to be a little too much emphasis about receiving a “touch” from God, so much so that it seems to be a norm for worship. It somehow makes people think that if they did not receive a touch from God, it means that they are spiritually inferior. However this just is not true. In fact this is normal. It does not mean that one is less spiritual, it just goes to show that feelings are fleeting and this is how humans are wired by God - that God wants us to learn at some point to move beyond feelings, to move one level up.

In Job chapter 1 and 2, we see Satan telling God that Man is essentially selfish - that Man will not fear God for nothing, and that he will give all that he has just to save his own self. Let us then, like Job, prove Satan wrong. Let us not worship God for the feeling. God wants us to worship Him for who He is, and not what we can get from Him. This is faith - being sure of who God really is and who He really is not.

after reading, my thoughts about God are suddenly illuminated; (it must be the holy spirit who led me to the scripture)....

i believe the thoughts that we are far from God are planted by the evil one, so that we come to condemn ourselves or think that we are so unworthy of God that we do not dare approach God.

but the bible says we have the confidence to enter God's throne(the place of his dwelling)! :) "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Heb 4:15-16

PTL!

yes i am digesting all this at this early hour! :) Gonna get ready for work now! Have a great morning! :)

Restless and dissatisfied

with where i am with God now.

i want more of God.

i want to be so close to God to hear his breath.

Lord, i want your presence. i want to be where you are.

as i type the above, i feel like a spoilt brat wanting my father's attention. ;)

Rollercoaster Ride

Monday, October 26, 2009

things recently have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.
there have been many ups and downs, its really quite happening and of cos scary!
i think i asked for it one. rem my post a while back, saying i want a rollercoaster ride with God cos things have gone so comfortable and boring? ya.. now i have it. gulps.
and man, it is such a scary ride. gulps. more than i asked for.
many things have gone way out of my expectations, off tangent, off course, off curve, just off.
it seems i'd riding at the low of the rollercoaster.
and we all know, after a low the rollercoaster always heads for a turn...or up.
thats where things gets confusing, and filled with much expectancy.
the expectancy of "dunno what's going to happen next".

i feel thats exactly what i am faced with now.
i dunno what is going to happen next.

and thats now why i am quite (cant say its alot, but it is quite something) desperate to hear God.
and i want to listen to what God has to say.
i know God wants to speak to me.
but somehow i am not able to hear anything and i dunno why.
Father, is it your silence or am i hard of hearing?
Open my ears so i could hear You Lord.
Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

A New Look

Sunday, October 25, 2009

okay..seems like 2 people are really interested in my new hairstyle lor. except that one has seen, the other has not. :)

ok la..i shall unveil the mystery now! i just asked the hairdresser to snip away all the uneven and UNRULY layerings. so here's what my hair looks like now, with my newer pair of specs. :)

Nicole and I. (taken using Jess's new phone)

can you spot the difference? actually it doesnt vary but a lot. gonna rebond my hair soon! so i guess the hair shall be tamed then! :) HAHAHA.

i realise i haven post any pics in my blog for a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time! for those who are more visually inclined...paiseh la. i'll try. now with f/b, its easier to post the pics there. :)

i wish

Thursday, October 22, 2009

-we don't have to move house.

-i don't have to lead the Cambodia trip. i have been feeling so low and stressed about it. there are so many things to attend to, hiccups here and there, random "tasks" that crops up along the way that i have to handle (a thesis, pictures, 'tourist', writeup, rude correspondent). just knew today that 1 student is dropping out of the trip, and a few more still unconfirmed.
it is so discouraging when you plan and work so hard for the trip, and as the date draws nearer, the team dont seem to progress. work is not done, no replies, no show......... :(
its very depressing. and plus all the defeating thoughts that have been running through my mind; reminding me of my inadequacies and weaknesses. the mental struggle has been so real.
its getting harder to press on like this.

how is a deflated and stressed leader going to lead a team?

-i can take a long break (1 week) away from work now to really rest and recharge. i'm tired and weary.

-i am more decisive in relationships, then i wouldnt have to hurt myself, others, and God.

-i can be more competent in my work, because i am handling more lives now, and i don't want to screw up.

-i would be less stressed about work. this is so obvious ya?

-i can be more of a "b**tch" .... because i find it so HARD to be nice to this particularly rude person, a person who does not answer my questions, or just gives me a one word answer.
its so unfair! and it really irks me! i'm already trying to be nice and accomodating even when you throw such last min bombs/work to me. YET you dont show any appreciation at all!
SO i really dont see any reason to be nice to you anymore. i think i'd have an easier time caring less about what you think, then to have you dismiss my kindness. i think i have enough of you.

-i would hear God clearly in these 3 areas of my life; ministry, career and relationship. i really need God to show me the direction, and i want to hear His will for me. God has been silent all this while, but i'll wait for Him.

my prayer tonight:

dear God, i have so many things on hand undone and unplanned, and so many decisions to make. things are such a mess now, and are at such a depressing state. Father i pray you'll help me. I give you praise for the donation raised and the approval for one tripper to go on the trip, i thank You that my assistant leader is able to go. Lord i know You are good, and You will see me through. Help me to perservere and renew my strength and faith each day. Each day is a gift from You, so Lord, help me to live it as a gift.

If i were to write a social worker's manual...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

i would definitely include the following; (not in the order of importance).

1. You HAVE to be thick-skinned enough to ask again and again, even when you're rejected. you're the client's advocate, if you stop trying, they may stop too.

2. This is linked to the previous one. You CANNOT be crippled by rejection. i said crippled by, not fear rejection. i am sure all of us fear rejection, to a greater or lesser degree. but as a social worker, you definitely cannot let that fear of rejection stop you from helping your clients.

3. they may not want your help, but do you watch by and do nothing, when you see something is wrong? You NEED to have a sense of justice (da bao bu ping) or at least a conscience to know what is right and what is wrong. it is better to have tried and failed, than not to try and not have failed.

4. Don't be too quick to reach for the tissue box when you see your client cry. this act is sending to the client the message that you cannot bear to see him/her cry, and you want them to stop the tears. so hold the tissue first, let them cry.

5. Non-verbal actions are important, but also match it with their verbal. cos non-verbal may be defense mechanisms which are subconscious, and not the same as what you would interpret it as.

6. Genuine concern can be felt (by the clients). they are not dumb la..

7. You have feelings and emotions too. you can feel emo/tired/restless/distracted/angry/irritated. social workers have bad (hair) days too! it is not helpful to deny those feelings or hide it in front of the clients. but a honest confession helps them to know you're human too, and helps them to connect with you in a more meangingful way.

yup, that's all i have now, still compiling my notes as i continue my journey as a social worker. 1 and a half years of work has taught me more things than what i've listed. but these are the most recent lessons i learnt since taking on casework. I still cannot say i like to do casework, but at least now i find myself disliking it less and less. And thats cos i see the potential and possibility of it in making a difference to the lives i meet.

if i were to give a one liner to my profession, it would be;

"Social workers meet lives to make a difference(s)."

ps: that is why we work so hard and so much.

heartbreaking moments.

Monday, October 05, 2009

i haven cried so much in a long while.
tonight i cried buckets, after i finished watching the taiwanese drama "why why love".
it was truly episodes of heartbreaking scenes one after another.
and i saw how impending death could draw people so much closer, allow true friendship to surface, renew the blood ties, and reveal unconditional, undying love.

the tears just flowed like the running tap. it seemed that i was actually feeling the pain they had when they saw someone they loved dying. it was heartbreaking. is that empathy i feel?

and as i watched those heartbreaking moments, strangely but slowly, i recalled those most painful moments of my life. i guess the most painful one must be when my father left the family. the other painful ones had to do with me hurting those who love me. what right do i have to hurt them???? i absolutely dont. then the other other painful ones would be the different times when close friends and mentors exited my life. up till today i still don't understand why they leave bcos i didn't have the chance to say goodbye. other painful times would be when i was ignored, belittled by others; the times where i felt so alone bcos no one would talk to me; or when someone chooses to talk to another person but me; and those times where i was misunderstood by my family members; and those times where i didn't do a good job at work.

those heartbreaking moments.

have you had those times
when you feel your heart break into a million pieces
a pain so piercing, a wound so searing
you could hardly breathe
and you couldn't understand
why it hurt so much.

i am quite glad i cried so much tonight. it is a relief to let it all out. it feels good to connect once again with my heart. i feel more real now.

A Quote from Ps David Lim

Sunday, October 04, 2009

"You are not here to be somebody else."

the confusion, crossroads, and cares part 1 -who should decide?

been thinking a lot about my life lately.. its like i'm doing a re-assessment of my life. it is also like doing a mid twenties evaluation -- young enough not to be old, yet old enough to still be considered young.

and these 3 Cs epitomise the main concerns (another C) i have regarding my life now.
there are some confusion.
i feel like i am standing at a crossroad now.
there are also cares which weigh upon my heart.

and i find myself pause and take a step back to look at my life. look at what was in the past, what is happening now, and what the future would be like. and i assess many different areas of my life; my relationship with God, bgr, family, friendships, work direction and even my own behaviour. the last one is of particular interest to me because in the last few days, i notice a particular behaviour of mine which i always have, but increasingly find it irritable. i realise i tend to be overly obliging and i try to be obliging to everyone. tend to always be the nice and good accomodating person. and so much so that i always let others decide and keep quiet about my own preference. to be frank, it has come to a point recently when i realised in keeping quiet, i've let others decide for me what i'm to be a part of/join.

should i let others decide what i want?

in so doing, i realise that i am losing my own voice and opinions about things ! i let them decide what i am to do. and there are people who decide for me when i don't know what i want!

and the question i beat myself over is; why do i follow even when i disagree? why do i let others decide for me?

the danger is, if others have been making decisions for me, how would i ever learn to know what i want?

already more than once, i find myself following even when i disagree, and in the process i didn't find out what i really want. i also didn't do what i want.

increasingly i find myself wanting to break loose and break free of this.
i want to find out what i really want.
i want to do what i really want and i don't want to do what i dont want.

so pls stop making decisions for me.

Serene, 25, Christian
a sinner saved by God's grace.
a beloved child of God.
a social worker (youth).
a daughter.
a sister to 2 younger siblings.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." -1 John 4:10

*God; the Father, Son Jesus and Holy Spirit
*Family; Tan
*Church; Grace Assembly of God
*My close friends
*My cell group; AHH (After His Heart)
*Youths
*Missions
*Children
*Good food, Chocolates and Ice-cream!

Lyrics | Chris Tomlin lyrics - Made To Worship lyrics

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