for dinner just now, had steamboat at home w my mum, sis and bro. from the setting aside of tonight for family dinner to the grocery shopping, to the preparation of the food and finally to the feasting, i felt so excited and all enthusiastic lor! finally, this feels like home. and everyone is so at home. physically and emotionally. feels so blissful. and warms my heart to know i have a family to come home to, have dinner w. people whom are related to me and people i am totally at ease with, bcos they know me inside out. it is just a simple kind of joy, fuss free. at home.
it's these simple joys in life that we often take for granted, joys so pure n precious.
God, thank you for my family, people who accept me as i am, and do things for my best interests.
am i suay or stupid?
haiz...i lent this woman $10 bcos she said she did not have money to take a cab as she had lost her wallet and handphone. She took down my address and hp number, saying that she would take a cab to my house after she got money from her auntie and pay me back. When we parted ways, it was 10:10PM, she said she would need 1 hr. Now it is almost 12.
does this sound like a typical con n conster?
that goes my $10..
why did i lend her in the first place?
naivety.
now i just feel so sianz..no mood le. is it true that strangers cannot be trusted?
haiz..then again, only $10. .but not say i very rich. why she nv ask for $100?then maybe i wouldnt give.
i shall wait for another day. lest i make a police report too.
wonder what dreams i will have tonight. will i sleep in peace?
been almost half a yr since i led YWA. during these months, i have learnt many lessons on leadership. i am really thankful to God for placing me in charge of this group of people. when Ps Kieran first approached me with the idea of leading a young working adult cell, i was full of skeptism and doubt. Huh? we have never had a young working adult cell before. Then, i was still a student at NUS. working adult? i cannot connect with his vision of this cell. huh? i was thinking, will there be people willing to join this cell?
thinking back, Thank God someone had a vision like this. thank God it is Ps Kieran. He believed this was what God wanted to do, and believed thru. Now YWA has been officially formed w 9 regular members. there are 3 -4 people who have yet to join.
and i have learnt so much about God thru leading this cell. it has been very encouraging for me to see members come for cell each week. but as a leader, don't just look at the number to gauge God's grace. there was once in cell where only 2 of the members came, and i knew all the rest had very valid reasons for not making it to cell. however,inside i was discouraged.
how i wished i had cancelled the cell lesson. still, i reasoned cell had to go on. in the end, i realised the 3 of us shared w one another some really personal n honest stuff abt ourselves. it was a time where we were really open on how we treat others and how we wished we would have treated them. It was a lesson on favoritism. Had more people came, yes we prob would spend much of the time sharing about our No. 1 enemy or best friend and have a very good discussion. But when there were only the 3 of us, there was more time to evaluate ourselves. more space to share deeper issues. more privacy to share inner struggles. So thru that cell mtg, i reasoned that was how God wanted the discussion to be. sometimes, it is not the numbers He wants, it is the depth of those numbers.
it is like, it is not so much WHAT u are doing that matters to God, but who u are BECOMING. Bcos God knows who u are will determine what u will do. Character will do the works.
and serving God will mould ur charcter, to be who God wants u to be. but it is not ur service which will transform u. it is God who transforms u, through ur service to Him.
God can use anyone.
after i was fully convicted that God wants me to be a cell leader, and personally encouraged by how things have worked out in YWA, i begin to understand that it is indeed a privilege to be a cell leader. in a broader sense, it is a privilege to be able to serve God.
1 thing is for sure when u serve God- He never shortchange anyone.
i spent close to 3 hours of potential sleeping time to create the slideshow u see below. i feel it is an utter waste of time. i just didn't expect it to take so long.
didn't expect at all. but i wasted that time anyway. time lost we cant get it back.
which leads to the very impt issue of , How are we spending our time?
will we be proud of how we've spent our time on earth as we lie on our deathbeds?
morbid qn but nevertheless something worth ur TIMe now to ponder.
if u ask me what kind of life i would want to live, i would say one with as little regrets as possible. why not say NO regrets? Cos i had done things in the past i regret now. i just wish i wouldn't add anymore to the list. Or better still, let me try to reduce the total number at the end of my life. As little as possible.
It is morbid but it is impt.
Once u have learnt what dying is, then will u know how to live.
for one, u wouldnt take ur life for granted.
2, u wouldnt take those ard u for granted.
3, u'll thank God. ( i would)
since young, i fantasize a lot abt death n dying. always have dreams revolving ard them. either i dream of a close one dying or i myself would be on the verge of death, pursued by some unknown guys (bei zhui sha). so i've been particulary sensitive to these things. i rem whenever i have such dreams, i would find myself soaked w tears upon regaining my consciousness. either that or cold sweat. Real Scary. and so real. i begin to wonder what would really happened to me if my dreams came true. Would i soak the entire bed?
i guess i would almost. but i learnt a very sobering fact- i don't live forever. Put another way, i dunno when i will die. i dunno when death will come and take someone away.
will any of us know?
we all know death is certain, what are we doing abt it?
(i am taken aback at what i've written. how did i manage to jump from a slideshow to these morbidity?)
whenever i see kids with their daddies and mummies ..i will be overcome by a flood of emotions. almost nostagic immediately, followed by loads of envy and later a cart of "why didn't i see how shortlived my happiness was and treasure it? why couldn't i be more forgiving towards daddy ? Why did things have to last ..only a while? why has family fallen apart for me? why so soon? why did i see what i do not have? whatever happened to my family?all these questioning churned out no satisfactory or even intelligent answers from my mind. somehow the brain has stopped processing these data. perhaps it knows, trying to find these answers would lead to a crash someday. so right down, it has chosen to be dormant. All this while, scenes like these would trigger the brain to fake immunity, trying to protect whatever sanity is left. Sometimes, it tries too hard.this has also led the brain in another way. Brain is esp sensitive to those around now. Sending signals to cause the mind to treasure. Treasure what there is left. protect the remaining. Afraid of loss. Retreat into the most comfortable position. No time to waste. Treasure. No regrets. Brain is refocusing.Family means "Father and Mother I Love You."
昨天.to B.一位我曾经 lead on， 伤害过的人
对， 已经过了一年。 现在我来道歉， 有朋友说“又要再去伤害他啊”？
对B来说， 我的“对不起”， 过了这么久，只是费话。
我想我还是自私的吧。
说一声”对不起“ 能让我好过些， 希望能减轻我心中的内疚。
虽然只是简单的三个字， 我却花了几个月的时间才终于鼓起勇气说出口。
回想起那时的所作所为， 突然觉得自己好傻，好可恶， 好自私。
觉得自己真是糟透了。
我是真的错了。
但是， 知道自己有多傻啊，可恶和自私，现在 都不那么重要了。
重要的是， 想说的话有没有说出口？
。。。
我真的不想走到生命的劲头时， 才发现有一大堆遗憾 --想说的没说， 想去做的没做。
傻， 可恶和自私的我
所以，
终于鼓起勇气向B说声”对不起“。 (我突然好多感触。。所以又写了这些。。)
现在的我觉得好踏实， 好真实。 现实可能是残酷的。
人最真的一面，好无掩饰。
面对真实的自己很多时候很难， 很不好受。
但起码， 你已开始面对自己，和真实的你， 真实的活下去。
也算没白活。
=)
i know it is now 2007. but let me finish off my thoughts on 2006 k?ha... i'm always man 3 pai. ha...ok here i go
2006
has been another eventful yr for me, as with many of u would reflect, this yr has been filled with ups and downs. indeed life is full of ups and downs. all of us dont like the downs ..isnt life a bit more real that way? if there is pain n sorrow?
i cried a lot this yr. . crying is a form of emotional release for me, as well as therapeutic. often, after a cry, i somehow gained the strength to face whatever i have to face. crying is like a process that i've used to help myself manage hurts, bitterness n heartaches. and i tear easily bcos i think i feel a lot (empathy)..means i cry a lot. people cry when they are sad right, but i also find myself crying when i am helpless. when i know no other way out for the problem i am facing. when i am really desperate for a solution and yet find none. when i am really lost as to where i am heading, what is the next step i should take. when i really wanna talk to someone, yet dunno what to say. when i feel so unloved. when i feel like a failure. i cry. dont we all?
and i thank God i can cry to express the emotions i feel. knowing that God cares for the tears that are shed is so comforting. just makes me wanna cry more. Crying is so therapeutic u know. i always feel better after a cry. it is as if the bad feelings are being washed away. feels cleansed, refreshed, to face the challenges ahead.
k, enough of tears. 2006 has been a blessed yr for me in many sense. I've learnt a lot in the young adult ministry that i am serving in church. Accepting the role of a cell leader in the beginning of this yr, was something i did not expect to hold. Prob, i've dreamt abt it, but never have i given serious thought to it. so it was after much persuasion from ps kieran that i accepted this role and ministry. i was initially v intimidated by what this role entails and means, actually i still am. but ps asked me a question which led me to say yes, and makes much sense too.
Ps:"Do u want to grow?"
Me: "Yes."
Ps: "Being a CL is the best way u can grow. " (something like that)
Me: "....okay"
i can say no also la. but i find no reason not to accept. So i accept lor.so, for some being a leader may be something they have always wanted and thus find it natural for them to progress to leadership. As for me, leadership is something that is NOT me. i am not a leader person. i am a follower. even times when i have been the leader before, but i know i do not have leader qualities. why me? but since i have accepted this role w however much reluctance, i will try my best to do what i can. despite knowing all my limitations at the back of my head, i will still move forth. For i know what i cannot do, then will i lift them to God and let God do His work. It is total dependence on God, not myself. I guess that is really total surrender to God. i will just allow God to use me, guide me and lead me. Serving God isnt that difficult really if u know your who is your master and keep your sight on Him. i guess God is the only one who can take my humanness and not despise it. That's love.
2006 was the yr i graduated from NUS. Started working full-time. Made many friends at work. Started to serve more actively in church. the Yr i got baptised also. the yr where so many BiG decisions were made. it is hard to blog everything here. ..how could we blog all of our life here? our lives are so much richer and complex !
Amen!
i've learnt so many things
learnt to be stronger
learnt to be still
bcos my Hope is You.
