i didnt expect the answer to be out so soon today and certainly not hear it from someone other than himself. no i didnt ask. it so happened that the topic was brought up and the answer was revealed!
i guess i really think too much. by right, the anwser should have come as a relief. yet somehow, i am slightly grieved. i say slightly cos thank God i havent fallen deep. after i heard the truth of the matter, i was numbed for a while. trying to let the info sink in, and that took like a few minutes. when i finally grasped the reality, i grieved. for a moment, my future seemed bleak. now that my hopes were dashed, now what? and i began to question God and also was angry with Him. why did this happen? i thought i was doing it your way? how come it still ended up this way? why Lord? sudddenly i din want to follow God's plan anymore. suddenly, i felt so much like a loser for holding out this way. suddenly i just feel so stupid. suddenly, i just wanted to stop believing in God.
bcos things did not work out the way i expected.
in that moment of reality, so many things ran through my head. bitterness, angst, grief, sorrow.
i became disinterested in whatever i was doing at that moment.
i just want to whine.
and i just wanted to pity myself.
i really wanted to give up my r/s with God. really. in that moment.
in this limbo mode, a voice within me told me this, " Do you really love him more than you love God? when you grieve like that, Jesus grieves with u too."
as i began to reason things, i discovered the true answer.
no, i dont love him more than Jesus. i love Jesus more. i cant live without Jesus, can i?
i'm been focusing my attention on him so much that i've misplaced God.
i've given my priority to him and not God.
Did i really love him?
thankfully, after that reasoning, i felt so much better. yes my hopes were dashed and i feel really disappointed and sad. it seems that my world got a little darker today. it seems that now the road aheads seems so much cloudier. i am still sadder than happier now. i am slightly grieved.
i dont understand why this has to happen to me. i whine at the fact that i have to wait all over again. and i detest this season of waiting. i wished i can fast forward my life to my wedding day.
and the hope that keeps me holding on is knowing that God has the best for my life.
it is very difficult to trust God cos i cannot see what He is doing.
i just have to trust that He is working.
Lord, i'm holding on
For the best you have for me
Though i cannot see
What you would bring
Lord, i'm holding on
Its hard but i 'm gonna try
I know you need my obedience
and my wholehearted surrender
Lord, please help me
To know you have the best for me
Assure my insecure heart
That You will never fail
and You are good
All the time
Even when it is hard
Lord, i want to draw near and seek
Your will above mine
Help me Lord
To hold on for Your best.
