Now exactly 6am. another night of stay up this week.. omg, my 2am syndrome again-If i dont sleep before 2am, i wont be able to sleep!-
ah....y like that...?
then after 2am i will start to do a lot of reflections.. dear me...will my 2am syndrome continue indefinitely? I need self-discipline to sleep earlier. =)
yet i realise i am a person who constantly needs to have reflection time n space..serene wont be able to sleep if she cant figure something out / has no answers to her questions/ if she has too many stuff on hand she needs to think abt /if she is very depressed or disturbed or angry or hungry or irritated or hurt. That's a lot of criteria to meet to have a good night's rest rite? hur.........i am so ke lian....
kkz let me 'release' some of them here, so maybe i will sleep well tmr night. =)
In sequence of randomity;
-is God calling me to be a pastor or youth worker?
-i like attention
-something on my mind alot these days- who actually r the pple who read my blog? -other than those who post comments and those i know u read? and how come whenever i ask for replies here..nobody answer ah? its strange cos i know got people read but no one bothers to leave comments..i feel like i am the only one here talking to myself..very often. could it be that readers are interested enuff just to read? i dont mind readers but i feel all of this is very one-sided. i dont feel cared for. maybe i am a poor communicator.. so sad la..
-i am learning to laugh at myself, and laugh with others at myself
-i am amused at my own sillyness aka blunders.
-feels hurt regarding a friend's comment, still cannot believe that friend actually think that way of me..din not expected such a remark..was the remark merely the tip of the iceberg? i am really hurt by the words. i cannot convince myself to accept that remark. i tried to but i still cant. i think its unfair. that's what makes it painful. feels very very misunderstood. i know i need to forgive u to get past that bitterness and frustration and indignation. and if u wanna know, yes i've forgiven u.
-feels despair and heartache whenever we quarrel and yet i am so helpless and just let things unfold and happen. i wish we wouldnt quarrel so much..much less over non living things. u dont seem to care. That's the hardest to accept. still i will keep on choosing to forgive and love. bcos i care. and bcos i know God cares.
-i am enjoying my internship A LOT! so much that i wish it would never end! HA...kua zhang hor...but really how i feel...6 mths like not enough...it is so fulfilling for me to do what i am doing now! I derive a lot of satisfaction from talking and interacting with youths. i thank God very much bcos He has been my fuel. He fills me so that i can run on full. And when i am running empty, i just need to go to Him for top-up! Thank you Jesus!
-Jesus intercedes before the Father for his children. woa..this truth is so happening! My intercessor is Jesus!
-i find myself constantly talking to God nowadays, asking him questions and getting his replies. this is so cool! reading the bible has now become such an interaction with God! oh ya now i mediate on God's word also. i am never the same again! His truth really transform my perspective of God and increase my understanding of what kind of God i really serve.
-i know u dont like me. or to be more precise i sense that u have no liking whatsoever for me. thru ur response to me on the phone, to my sms. i just know. and God has also helped me see that fact clearer. i trust my intuition. strangely,when i held on to that hope so tightly, i dont wanna let go. Yet when i let it go, i find that it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. But still hor, i am not really sure how to face u..still kinda of apprehensive and hesitant. well, this is so embarassing. now i really hope u dont find out abt this, and dont ask me. however, i do suspect u may already have guessed it or know..so i am very cautious now when i talk to u. i hope u dont find out! i am treating u as a friend now..dear all, yes we are just friends. wat r u thinking?
*winks*
-oh for a close friend, i am worried abt her but i dont know how i can help her. each time i am just so helpless when i want to be of help. the only thing i can do for u now is to commit u to God and let God take over. I know by my own strength, i wont be able to help u much. Only God truly can be helpful to u and will help u. u had encouraged and inspired me so much u know. one of my deepest hope right now is to see that joy in ur heart once again, that assured smile on ur face, and that little girl playing happily in the garden.
kkz i guess i have basically poured my heart out here on most of the issues that have been troubling me..
i should sleep!!! yawns.
Morning!
