been saddened and burdened for the past few days.. just like what i shared with my colleagues during devotion. i just feel sad..and down yest...I'm like going through depression, where i just find myself feeling really down and nothing seem to be able to lift my spirits.
there is no joy in my heart, and I find it hard to be happy.
that's how i've been feeling.
i think i know the causes of this. been bogged down by work..sometimes just feel so suffocated and suppressed..i feel that i have been given too many things to manage, yet i am unable to say no. i just accept. but when i accpet, i feel like a fool cos then i have to do more things. Is it just a matter of being firm and saying no? But everyone is busy, do i have any valid reason to not help?
work is one area of stress.
the other is relationships.
friendships. how do u maintain a close friendship? is it by always giving ? But the one who is always giving will come to a point where he or she is drained out.. friendship has to be reciprocated. how much and how long can one person give unconditionally? there will come a day where he or she questions if there is any value in holding on to the friendship. that's when he or she perceives, and comes to the end of himself/herself. cant keep giving rite? and if your friend is the cause of your stress, what do u do? at the expense of yourself, wat would u do?? at your inconvenience what will you do? i dunnoo man...maybe i will just do what i can until i cant anymore.
spiritual life. my relationship with God. i am challenged to trust God again. this time, it requires more faith. bcos i cant see what he has in store for me in terms of a life partner. i made a stand to focus on God this year, yet now my faith is severely put to the test. i keep asking God, "God you sure you are more than enough for me?" I have always tried to fill the void in me with a guy whom i like. always do. i just feel so insecure with only God in my heart. i felt that i needed someone else too, other than God!
=) how foolish i was. it doesnt work that way! why do i always doubt that God is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me? I can hear God saying to me; " O you of little faith, why do you doubt?" haaa...all these small little internal conversations are kinda like swirling in my head.. I shared with Joanne i needed God to show me the big picture and the "hows" of things. But God did not. so i feel so helpless, i feel that i just have to find my own way out of this internal turmoil. i become reactive rather than responsive. and i hate myself for doing the things i do not want to do. i hate myself for not being myself. i hate it when i do things that are against my nature. Yet i question, do i really have a choice?
am i really helping myself to consider what matters most?
am i being selfish by just considering my own interests?
am i being too hard on myself?
Dear Lord Jesus, show me your ways that I may follow and obey. Help me to make the choices that are wise. Help me to do what matters most.
For now, i just wanna concentrate on God, family, close friends and youths. and frankly speaking thats cos i only have time for them. i only have enough time on earth to do what God wants me to do. bgr really could wait.
Serene, 25, Christian
a sinner saved by God's grace.
a beloved child of God.
a social worker (youth).
a daughter.
a sister to 2 younger siblings.
Your Love
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." -1 John 4:10
Loves n Adores
*God; the Father, Son Jesus and Holy Spirit
*Family; Tan
*Church; Grace Assembly of God
*My close friends
*My cell group; AHH (After His Heart)
*Youths
*Missions
*Children
*Good food, Chocolates and Ice-cream!
