i wanna be a good girl but....
is 'good' and 'but' contradictory? can they even co-exist?
the but negates (make less) the good.
there is no such thing as half good rite?
2 msgs today made me realise the 'buts' in my life...many buts instead. and i was telling myself that i don't deserve that kind of attention, really. i don't deserve. i dunno why i should deserve them. i cannot reciprocate..should u still shower attention and care?
in my opinion, dont have to. i hate the feeling of not being able to reciprocate. Yet how can i reciprocate for reciprocity's sake? it is not right. perhaps it is really not worth ur time to be spent on me. i can't give u anything back in return and i feel bad. perhaps if u treat me less good, i'd feel better.
i read my sis's post on getting so used to some things in her life that she feels almost nothing for them now. desensitised already i guess. and i find it applies to me as well! i'm so used to be always the one giving, that i dunno how to receive anymore. i give, give and give. i'm not talking about bgr. in that aspect, i'm always (abashedly so-bu hao yi si) the receiver. but in all other aspects, i am usually the giver, and so much so, till when it comes to the time to receive, i freak out, i back off, i shun-no knowing what to do. very skeptical of receiving. and i've realised, this is true also for small things such as favours to ask of others. i seldom ask with the intention of receiving.
it is still a mystery as to how i came to have this mindset- i perceive giving as natural and expected of me, yet when it comes to receiving, i am a foreigner. i treat all received as added bonuses which are undeserved.
should this be how i think?
and i've realised for a moment, i am scared of any emotional involvement (including bgr). i am suddenly aware of my skeptism and fear of these things. it could be that i have never really learnt to receive. . and hence finds it uneasy to be on the receiving side of things.
as i examined my thoughts, i'm surprised that i've become scared of getting involved romantically. so used to being single, it doesn't reaLLY Matter if i do not get attached. same sentiments exactly. i think it is bcos i am scared of the price to pay. or the sacrifices i've to make. or the uncertainty ahead.
or perhaps, i've have all i needed and i do not want any changes to this status quo.
not that i do not want to get married and have kids. i still do lah.. but He will have to convince me, and he(small letter) will have to touch my skeptical heart.
so used to something...?
