hmmm....just came back from Penang on wed. well.. are u thinking that the trip has somewhat a negative connotation? hmmm...well, for me i guess it was negative...not to mean that the people who went with me were.
well..there were misunderstandings, times when i was frustrated, irritated, and pissed and felt 'constipated'. Why? I'm a person who does not like to conform...so put me in a group of 8 people, i feel...ya, 'constipated'. Perhaps, after a few years of living a single and independent life, i guess i have learnt to enjoy myself, to just be contented even if i am by myself. and THAT makes some uncomfortable, worried. perhaps no one will truly understand what i've been through. Given that....i think i'm a pretty resilient person...i dont like to worry others, so i will take care of myself and i can. For some, it is difficult to fathom that i can be independent...to them, perhaps i am rebellious...or defensive or....hard to please? so ya, during the trip, i had some conflicts with the adult....but they were mostly internal. u know how i hate to be wronged and criticised in a rasied voice? but i did not voice these out...cos afterall, i gotta respect the elders rite? and then i will think to myself that perhaps i am being sensitive and petty......i gotta try to convince my inner child ya? haha.....ya so i will reason with myself....perhaps it's a test of tolerance.
yes. this trip is basically a lesson on tolerance or rather acceptance? Acceptance is difficult.....and tolerance is not acceptance. but somehow i gotta learn how to. and thru this trip i've learnt to control my emotions. If not i will have many confrontations man! Thank God for Mic's company! If not, i really have to suffer in silence!!! haha...
so that's one contradiction. One hand i was angry, on the other, i did not show it. and tried to convince myself not to.
another was not really a contradiction. but sometimes, we really cant say things too fast. A relationship blossomed this trip. A breakthrough more likely. quite sure it started way before, but i just knew it during this trip. dont get me wrong, i'm still single.... hehehe...who's that person is pretty obvious isnt it?
and Jess's eldest brother can be such a extreme when it comes to emotions. hmmm...when he's not angry, he's nice. When he is, u wouldn;t want to be near! and cos of his outbursts i din really feel like i was on holiday mood. how can u be when u see one person fuming? it was quite a stressful time as the rest racked our brains how beat to pacify or at least minimise the after effects.
lastly, the contradiction was that i was the only one who bought the most things. the rest were not really interested in looking for cheap bargains. so as i shopped, the rest followed me around..i knew they were restless. hmm...so after a while, i got no mood to shop already. i can only say that we have different motives on this trip ba.
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and now, OFFICIALLY, all of my close friends are taken. I feel kinda left out? it's natural rite......somehow lost. so i guess i have to find more activities to occupy myself during the weekends when i cant find no one. I am not complaining cos i understand that they need to spend that time with their other halves. and i wont demand for that time. My feelings upon seeing all of them attached are kinda mixed. on one hand, i'm happy. on the other, i'm scared of losing their company and being lonely. and worried for myself.....when's my turn?
I dunno..but i am not on the lookout either. I want to be sure that special someone is God-sent. Well,m if God decides that i would be better off single, so be it! God knows best. Yes i do envy ....get jealous....think that perhaps my God is not that good to me cos He has not blessed me in this area. but i get comfort whenever i think of how great my God is, and there is NOTHING He cannot do? When i see His greatness, the things of this world seems so small ya. and though i am scared of being lonely the rest of my life, i know my God will take care of me.
just as He has always been doing.....
and that....
is more than enough for me.
=)
ps: photos will be uploaded at a later date.
